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LeeLeePot

extracting evil thoughts...

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i have been insecure ever since the day you let me go. i have been thinking...overthinking actually. why the hell did you just drop me like a hot potato when the other day we were just daydreaming together on a wonderful date we will have on our next monthsary? what the hell were you thinking when i already did as you wished me to do to live with you? what has become of us? and ever since that day i became sad and the thoughts produced conclusions and these conclusions brought up the personal issues i had with myself which was buried five years ago when you came into my life and boost the worth out of me.

these evil thoughts are killing me so i'm gonna post it here. after the break up, i pleaded for you to stay or even to at least explain what's going on, you did, and as expected, it hurts. you got a kid from a woman five years ago and you just knew it recently. i had swallowed and accepted that since it came from you. it's your kid. and i wanted to have a kid too. so there was no problem i see about that. however, there are some things that keep on nagging on the corner of my head. we had longed for a child but i couldn't give it to you. now here's this woman who came out of the blue from your past presenting you with a kid and it is your kid and i felt like going back to my corner since the stage lights already focused on your meeting. i am happy staring at you but i can't help but think that this should supposedly how the things would look like if we were living in another life. i felt like i was kicked out of my own tv series and now i am just an audience of that story. i feel happy for you are now a father but i feel sad at the same time since i can't share that parenthood with you since i couldn't bear any.

i feel relieved that you finally got yourself what you've dreamt but i feel left out. you should be with them. but what about me...i am sooooo wounded and you couldn't even get it and i couldn't even tell you about it since i don't want to be such a cry baby not like before. things changed. a lot has changed. i couldn't believe it all happened in just one day. and you would never ever know what i feel.

i could still tell you about a lot of things before regarding my angst on anybody and i could walk with my head held high when we're together but i couldn't do it now. i am scared about what people would say when they see us when they knew we were over. i feel pathetic. i feel ugly. all because i could never give you a kid. and i keep on thinking about the bond you share with the mom of the kid five years ago and i can't help but feel disgusted even if i shouldn't since it is all but normal these modern days. gaaah!!! and i feel fat. i feel so fat. well, yes i am fat. but not because i had bear a child. but because i just ate too much. i feel so sad. why do people make me sad....

i need a snicker or two...or even a toblerone would do...or maybe just someone i could talk to to make me feel better. i don't have close friends here in this place...and the only person i am close with is the one who woke up my personal issues. personal issues that only 27 year old people should think about. i am only ****in' 23!!!!
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Comments

  1. JoyCeeMarie08's Avatar
    d ko ka-like.access denied daw. tsk
  2. LeeLeePot's Avatar
    haha! ukei ra na..hehehe...a comment would do...

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