Short Stories

[biggie9385]

---

MY fianc,e and I spent months preparing for our wedding. During the ceremony, we planned to recite our vows--without any prompting from the pastor. When the day
arrived, we stood face to face in the garden, and Jim was so nervous that he
accidentally omitted some of his lines. Nevertheless, I responded with my vows,
and we were pronounced man and wife.

When our pastor greeted us on the receiving line, I jokingly asked him if our union was legal. "After all," I said, laughing, "Jim flubbed his lines."

"You're fine," he replied reassuringly. But as he walked away, he called
back, "Just don't get sick!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Amy Babcock

[biggie9385]

OUR COLUMBIA, S.C., Army Reserve Civil Affairs Brigade was holding a joint exercise with troops from Fort Bragg, N.C. One soldier was assigned the task of finding civilian facilities in the area that could repair an armored division's vehicles. He located three shops that were so equipped and then phoned a fourth one. Was it in fact a heavy-duty repair shop? "Yes." Could they repair diesel engines? "Sure." Did they work on tracked vehicles? "Yep, work on those big tractors all the time." Did they have a crane that could lift an M-60 main battle tank? There was silence for a moment, and then the soldier heard a shout on the other end of the line: "Hey, Joe, come listen to this nut on the telephone!"

--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Col. Ronald T. Hillhouse

[luv2luv]

The Old Man, the Boy, and their Donkey By Unknown


There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it
was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some
people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man
to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so
they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame
for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they
both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk
when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a
load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the
critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually
lose your ass. People will talk ... let them ... You LIVE FOR YOURSELF !

~~anonymous~~

[luv2luv]

One Man’s Wish By Unknown

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. Please give a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

Suddenly the sky darkened and the Lord, in a booming voice said, "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. I think that I can trust that you will not disappoint me. Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! Your request is very materialistic and disappointing. I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Take a little more time and make another wish, one you think would honor and glorify Me."

After much thought, the man said, "I"ve been married 4 times. My wives always said that I was insensitive to their needs. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel and what they're thinking. I want to know why they cry and how to make them truly happy. That's my wish, Lord."

Then, after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[netghost]

A Haunted House
BY VIRGINIA WOOLF

Whatever hour you woke there was a door shutting. From room to room they went, hand in hand, lifting here, opening there, making sure--a ghostly couple.

"Here we left it," she said. And he added, "Oh, but here tool" "It's upstairs," she murmured. "And in the garden," he whispered. "Quietly," they said, "or we shall wake them."

But it wasn't that you woke us. Oh, no. "They're looking for it; they're drawing the curtain," one might say, and so read on a page or two. "Now they've found it,' one would be certain, stopping the pencil on the margin. And then, tired of reading, one might rise and see for oneself, the house all empty, the doors standing open, only the wood pigeons bubbling with content and the hum of the threshing machine sounding from the farm. "What did I come in here for? What did I want to find?" My hands were empty. "Perhaps its upstairs then?" The apples were in the loft. And so down again, the garden still as ever, only the book had slipped into the grass.

But they had found it in the drawing room. Not that one could ever see them. The windowpanes reflected apples, reflected roses; all the leaves were green in the glass. If they moved in the drawing room, the apple only turned its yellow side. Yet, the moment after, if the door was opened, spread about the floor, hung upon the walls, pendant from the ceiling--what? My hands were empty. The shadow of a thrush crossed the carpet; from the deepest wells of silence the wood pigeon drew its bubble of sound. "Safe, safe, safe" the pulse of the house beat softly. "The treasure buried; the room . . ." the pulse stopped short. Oh, was that the buried treasure?

A moment later the light had faded. Out in the garden then? But the trees spun darkness for a wandering beam of sun. So fine, so rare, coolly sunk beneath the surface the beam I sought always burned behind the glass. Death was the glass; death was between us, coming to the woman first, hundreds of years ago, leaving the house, sealing all the windows; the rooms were darkened. He left it, left her, went North, went East, saw the stars turned in the Southern sky; sought the house, found it dropped beneath the Downs. "Safe, safe, safe," the pulse of the house beat gladly. 'The Treasure yours."

The wind roars up the avenue. Trees stoop and bend this way and that. Moonbeams splash and spill wildly in the rain. But the beam of the lamp falls straight from the window. The candle burns stiff and still. Wandering through the house, opening the windows, whispering not to wake us, the ghostly couple seek their joy.

"Here we slept," she says. And he adds, "Kisses without number." "Waking in the morning--" "Silver between the trees--" "Upstairs--" 'In the garden--" "When summer came--" 'In winter snowtime--" "The doors go shutting far in the distance, gently knocking like the pulse of a heart.

Nearer they come, cease at the doorway. The wind falls, the rain slides silver down the glass. Our eyes darken, we hear no steps beside us; we see no lady spread her ghostly cloak. His hands shield the lantern. "Look," he breathes. "Sound asleep. Love upon their lips."

Stooping, holding their silver lamp above us, long they look and deeply. Long they pause. The wind drives straightly; the flame stoops slightly. Wild beams of moonlight cross both floor and wall, and, meeting, stain the faces bent; the faces pondering; the faces that search the sleepers and seek their hidden joy.

"Safe, safe, safe," the heart of the house beats proudly. "Long years--" he sighs. "Again you found me." "Here," she murmurs, "sleeping; in the garden reading; laughing, rolling apples in the loft. Here we left our treasure--" Stooping, their light lifts the lids upon my eyes. "Safe! safe! safe!" the pulse of the house beats wildly. Waking, I cry "Oh, is this your buried treasure? The light in the heart."

[biggie9385]

It had been a nerve-racking experience for my attorney husband. He was working with the FBI on a federal sting operation. Worried for his safety, they put him under protective surveillance. Finally the FBI told him they had rounded up all the criminals and were lifting the surveillance. A few days later my relieved spouse was on the phone, telling his brother about the whole adventure. "Did you happen to mention to the FBI that you have an identical twin?" his horrified brother interrupted. "Who lives next door?"

--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by J. D.

[biggie9385]

Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took a long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"

--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by Carissa Lucyk

[biggie9385]

Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, they told her to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?" They refused. So Mom said, "Fine. From now on I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full." The company got a new number the next day.

--Contributed to "Life in These United States" by Kim Drake

[sherwinzae]

revive ta ani be... nice humor ang uban...
up... up... up... and away!!!

[biggie9385]

ONCE, during tactical maneuvers at Officer Candidate School, the sergeant-instructor asked those with enlisted experience to raise their hands. Another candidate and I were the only two able to comply. After I related that I'd spent time in the infantry, he singled me out. "There are certain things that only enlisted men with field experience can do well," he said, as I proudly stood in front of the platoon. Then he handed me his canteen cup and barked, Make me some coffee!"

--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Capt. Jeffrey W. Barton