LeeLeePot

today i had that involuntary twitch on my left hand. i always had that twitch before. what it usually does is my pinky finger involuntary rubs my ring finger since my ring finger had that engagement ring with your name engraved in it. i always do that especially when i am frustrated about something i can't get or if i am in deep thought. i was always used to it. suddenly, out of the blue, i had that involuntary movement again. and i just realized, or my pinky rather, that the engagement ring that it keeps on rubbing is no longer there. whenever i am far away from you, and can't hold your hand, that ring gives me that comfort like you are still holding me and i belong to you. that ring brings me the best vibes. i remember the day you gave it to me. it was just a silver ring. but that's all you can afford. but that meant more than a diamond ring or any jewel in particular. i remember the way you introduce me to your friends as your wife then you would proudly put your arms on my shoulders to show them that i am yours. i remember the early mornings when you would cook for me, especially those heart shaped pancakes. i remember your incessant urge for me to change my lastname on facebook to your last name. i remember your notes, your poems, and my big name scrawled on your bedroom wall. i remember the first night i was pent up with being the one who provides more on finances during our dates that i decided to let you go because you were pulling me down. i remember my anger to you that night and how it turned to disgust when you cried and cried and helplessly looked for the ring that i threw away. i remember the insults i gave you because you were never an achiever. i remember you hanging on to me saying that you'll die if i'd leave. i remember the old you as vivid as watching a blu-ray copy of a dvd.

i wish it were still like before. but my heartlessness changed you and before i knew it, i was the one begging for you to stay because i'll die if you'd leave. but you still left anyway. the tables turned. funny how it turned out. but i remembered hushing you down when you cried. i remembered saying sorry and that i was wrong and that i wouldn't do it because i just realized that i can't leave you too. i remembered regretting it. the tables are turned. why can't you do the same? you just told me to accept it and forget it. how can i accept and forget something that i could not forgive? how can i forgive when i don't see any trace of remorse from you for hurting me? how can i move on from that day when you wouldn't say sorry?

i remembered the old you. and i am inlove with that person. and just as my pinky does that involuntary rubbing on my ring finger, my heart does that involuntary skip that only my tears could define. sometimes i feel like i am no longer part of your life. it keeps on ringing in my head.

you are able to let me go. you can now accept the world without me. you said it would cause you pain to let me go but the fact remains that you CAN let me go.

i wish i could do the same. maybe someday i'd do that thing. for now, i'll just go to the back of my head. watching. just an audience. the former protagonist of your story-- your once center of your universe-- will now resume its role as the audience.

you would never ever know how i'd feel. you would never ever know how much i am missing you. and that i am still hurting.

and it would take awhile before i can say that somebody owns me again.