need some feedback!! poetry writing...

[mbvneneng]

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friends, ngayo ko ug feedback about this poem which I have written for a project... sakto ba ako english?? hehe.... any feedback would be appreciated...thanks daan ninyo....

A Girl's Story...

There was once a girl who thought that life was easy....
Who thought that grown-ups have much more fun....
And who thought that she is special...

But one day, she woke up and realize,
Life isn't based on a fairy tale with happy endings...
But rather based on tragic endings...

She come to realize being grown up isn't that nice...
And wishes she's back to her childhood days...
The days where life is fun and simple...

But she suddenly falls in love...
For a while, she appreciated life again...
She started to believe in dreams coming true and happy endings...
And she told herself, "Life isn't that bad.."

But life isn't fair and that is for real...
She was hurt by the person she loved and trusted the most...
That is when she learned fairy tales are unrealistic...
And a broken knee is much more easier to fix....

And the worst part of all, she is alone....
She has friends, its just that they do not care...
She tried to live her life as if everything's fine...
No one seems to notice the suffering she endures...
That when she started to live her life in lies....

She might be a common girl but she is very much real...
She might be a part of me and you...
Or maybe, perhaps, you know her,...
Its just that you don't care.....

[vern]

You asked for it ...

The message gets through, but the delivery leaves a lot to be desired. There is nothing worse than bad grammar and bad spelling when you are trying to be poetic. I'd need a lot of red ink were I to re-write your poem.

Sincerely,

Vernon

[mokiloo]

reread it again void with the consciousness of misspellings or grammars and focus mainly on the thought and emotions
then try rephrase it in a more fluid way, the lesser the conjunctions the better.
let me try rephrase the first line.

"once a girl was who though life easy..."

for me lang ha if I will have it my way. and I'm no Shakespeare. not even close. hehe

also learn to use methapors
coz it sounded too prose.

[mbvneneng]

mao ba??hehe...thanks for your honest opinion...dili man jud ko kahibalo muhimo ug poem ba...hehe..

[vern]

also learn to use methapors
coz it sounded too prose.

Seriously? You are critiquing her writing when you ...

1. Can't even spell metaphor correctly.
2. Can't even be bothered to write the entire word "because".
3. Don't use punctuation.

Seriously?

[mokiloo]

ooh come'on its just a quickie
and its my tots i wantid to git tru to hir.
and seriously this aint a serious career to be careful of a mere mispelling
I dont need to tiptoe around with my spellings nor punctuations in my leisure time
and oh forgive pud if your life revolves around spellings or here in the forums sorry for tainting it with my poor spelling.

plis du porgib mi huhuhuhu

pipol biwir ob da espilling brigayd!!!!
dyok ra...pis awt!!

an olso ets hir tred and its por hir to reakt. thenks

[mbvneneng]

ooh come'on its just a quickie
and its my tots i wantid to git tru to hir.
and seriously this aint a serious career to be careful of a mere mispelling
I dont need to tiptoe around with my spellings nor punctuations in my leisure time
and oh forgive pud if your life revolves around spellings or here in the forums sorry for tainting it with my poor spelling.

plis du porgib mi huhuhuhu

pipol biwir ob da espilling brigayd!!!!
dyok ra...pis awt!!

an olso ets hir tred and its por hir to reakt. thenks

ana...whhaahhaa....nahan lage ko nimo...hehe...

[mokiloo]

^^^^
hoist u bittir b kerpol op ur isfilling ha neks taym. hehehe
di raba pwede mag critik if ur esfilling is nat korek and opcors dunt purget di panktwesyun marks

na uwaw gud ko. hehehe
maayo gani may layf dosent depind hir in da porums por mi to be kerful wid may sfelling and panktwisyons

fatay makasab-an gyud tah ani heheheh
di man diay pwede siguro diri.