Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay
raise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay
raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal leave a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now
a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be
taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer
of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
Thank you!
Sincerely,
HR Staff
New Corporate Policy this Financial Crisis
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