just wanna share this to you guys...
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An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had ***?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no *** since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are best everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just ****in' BEATUIFUL!'
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The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my ***** to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's ***** and began to work back.
"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And
the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a God damn checking account!"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it." he replies. "I said I want to open a God
damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Angrily closing her window, the teller rushes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no freakin' problem, you shithead!" the man spews, "I
just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a God damn checking account in this God damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, ". . . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
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Junior Asks His Dad, "daddy, How Was I Born?"
His Dad Sighs And Replies, "ah My Son, I Guess One Day You Would Have To Find Out Anyway!"
"well, You See Your Mom And I First Got Together In A Chat Room On Msn. Then I Set Up A Date Via E-mail With Your Mom And We Met At A Cyber-cafe. We Sneaked Into A Secluded Room, Where Your Mother Agreed To A Download From My Hard Drive. As Soon As I Was Ready To Upload, We Discovered That Neither One Of Us Had Used A Firewall, But It Was Too Late To Hit The Delete Button."
Six Weeks Later Your Mom Send Me An Instant Message Saying That Her Operating System Was Showing Signs Of Unauthorized Program Activity From A Self Extracting File Which Had Implanted Itself In Her Bios. Then Nine Months Later A Little Pop-up Appeared And Said "you've Got A Male!".
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought
about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would save $4,850?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here and was buried here.
Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
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Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey,"
said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy, straggly hair?"
"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .
"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired Vincenzo .
"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .
"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Vincenzo .
"Notta me!" answered Luigi .
"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo
"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .
"Den you Guinea bastard, whya you keepa fuc*in' my wife?" Vincenzo asked.
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“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
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