Merged: Jokes

[pnk_shadows]

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A FATHER'S PRIDE AND JOY...(you'll love the ending)

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few
laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the
rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about
their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my
pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company
at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb
the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he
is the president of the company. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz
for his birthday.

The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also
my pride and joy, I am very proud of him.
He started working at a traveling agency for a very big
airline. He went to flight school to become a
pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company
where he now owns the majority of the assets.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new
jet for his birthday.

The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My
son is also my pride and joy and he is also
very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an
Engineer. He started his own construction
company and became very successful and a multimillionaire.
He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive
to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft
mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the
successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned
and asked:

What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we
feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is
horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He
is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.

And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday
just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft
mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three
boyfriends.

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

hahaha!!!

i'd read it in other topic but it worths a second time reading.... funny jed!! :mrgreen:

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Years of Training

The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the BIR!"

maayo jud kaayo mopuga ang naa sa BIR!!!! :mrgreen:

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

GIRLS FIRST TIME.....

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off
for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses
to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his
finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust
him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give
him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead
and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he
presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the
slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your
eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head
and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out
with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within
you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad
to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most
stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was
your first time to have a tooth pulled.


unswa diay imong gihunahuna bai?

[pnk_shadows]

hehehehe..korek ka jan!!

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

ikaw jed pnk_shadows imo jud hatagan ug laing color... harharhar :mrgreen:

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Rosebuds

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up, grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

mao na ni uso ron!

[pnk_shadows]

yaks kaluod ni manang!!! hehehe..daghana gud nimo jokes! ga ki-at lang gyd ni ai..hehe

[pnk_shadows]

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and
therefore
you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and
subsequently leave one hour early.


RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict
3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open
and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will
be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.


LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to
get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input
should
be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!


THE MANAGEMENT


Note: Imagine this company! hehehehehehe....

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

maayo pa dili nalng ko magsanina inig work para naa increase in salary.