Wisecracks, One-Liners & Put-Downs...

[miracledrug]

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"Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not" --Gen. Iroh (The Avatar)
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame"--Gen. Iroh (The Avatar)
"While it is always best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing."--Gen. Iroh (The Avatar)
"Zuko,you must look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself."--Prince Zuko (trying to imitate Gen. Iroh)

[Alel]

"Introduce some variety to your **x life: use the other hand."

[Alel]

"So far, so what?!" - Aldo Colombini

[GOSPELofROCH]

"opportunity never goes away, the other person took it."

[crinkle]

sumpay pod ko:
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I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.

Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

My wife ran off with my best friend. Boy, I'll miss him.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

My wife says I never listen to her....or something like that.

If you like what you see dial 1-800-YOU WISH

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

My husband said if I don't quit shopping so much he'll leave. Lord, I'll miss that man.

Unicorns aren't mythical. Virgins are.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Where's there's smoke, there's dinner.

Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.

My wife's other car is a broom.

If women can have PMS, then men can hve ESPN.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

A woman is like a teabag: you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Money can't buy love but it can rent a very close imitation.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.

The more I learn about women the more I love my Harley.

Familiarity breeds.

Love is grand. Divorce is ten grand.

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

The only time a woman wants to be a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

I got a new car for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

I live with fear every day. But sometimes she lets me go hunting.

Ex-wife. Take over payments.

*** on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.

The rooster crows, but the hen delivers the goods.

Not tonight, dear, I have a modem.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels are attracted to me.

Marriages are made in heaven. So is thunder and lightning.

Husbands should come with instructions.

Real men don't waste their hormones growing hair.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I've always wanted a chaise in my bedroom.

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

I'm not single. I'm romantically challenged.

The woman who stands behind her man cannot see where she is going.

If you smoke after ***, you're doing it too fast.

My wife and I are incompatible. I lost my income and she lost her patability.

I don't know of anything better than a woman if you want to spend money where it shows.

Life is nothing like the brochure.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.

Life is a trip. Do you have a ticket or are you hitch-hiking?

The world will end the day after the warranty expires.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

52% of all statistics are false.

Addicted to the Net: Home is where I hang my @

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Surburbia: where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

This would be really funny--if it weren't happening to me.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Who are The Grateful Dead? And why do they keep following me?

Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!"--until you can find a rock.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

Help wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

There are two great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

You wouldn't worry so much about what others thing of you if you knew how seldom they did.

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

I went to school to become a wit. Only got halfway through.

I used to be a doctor but I didn't have the patients.

I wanted to be a musician but I wasn't noteworthy.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't been asleep.

Rehab is for quitters.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

My kid sold the test answers to your honors student.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, disregard this notice.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Why is it that dogs go to obedience school and kids run wild?

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I've got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

My dog was student of the month in obedience class.

Cruel and unusual punishment works better.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Mongrel American and proud of it.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

Two wrongs are just the beginning.

I may be straight, but I'm not narrow.

What happens if you get half scared to death twice?

The first point and click interface was Smith & Wesson.

Four out of five people think the 5th is an idiot.

Remember--half the people in the world are below average.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier too.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I've had fun before. This isn't it.

It's called "golf" because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

A philosopher always knows what to do until it happens to him.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Return your bag of M & M's. It's full of W's!

Therapy is expensive. Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Cowboy wisdom: Don't squat with your spurs on.

Why do doctors call it practice?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The big bad wolf was framed.

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.

52% of all statistics are false.

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards and in high heels.

I saw Elvis making crop circles.

Just say NO to one-word solutions.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If you think being meek is weak, try being meek for a week.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.

Change your mind. It'll work better.

Visit our restaurant! The food's great and you'll like the ambulance, too.

Disarm rapists.

My mother was a travel agent for guilt trips.

Black holes suck.

Commit random acts of kindness.

Unity is neat.

After the Rapture, can I have your car?

This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way.

I'm not a hunter. I'm a wildlife economizer.

The hurrier I go the behinder I get.

Beware the dog. Don't trust the cat, either.

Success is only a matter of luck; ask any failure.

Alcohol & Calculus don't mix. Don't drink & derive.

If at first you don't succeed, vigorously deny that you were even trying.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

My mind works like lightning... One brilliant flash and it is gone!

Some people bond. You and I are crazy-glued!

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

This isn't my idea of a good time.

He who dies with the most toys...still dies.

Illiterate? Write for help.

YOU! Out of the gene pool!

If you're not enraged, you're not paying attention.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

I smoked pot for a month one night.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Beware of geeks bearing disks.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

I intend to live forever, so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Desperately clinging to Utopian illusions.

Dyslexics of the world--untie!

I think you left the stove on.

Stay tuned. I could say something brilliant at any moment.

Visualize whirled peas.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Psychiatrists say 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.

Your sole purpose in life may be simply to serve as a warning to others.

Poker rules supplement: A .44 magnum beats 4 aces.

Editing is a rewording activity.

A dog in the hunt ain't got no fleas.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Save time. See it my way.

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sorry, can't find the source

[Alel]

Thanks for sharing Crinkle!

Daghana oie!..Hehe

[slateman]

no sense makes sense -- charles manson

[Alel]

[After making love with a girl named Christmas] "I thought Christmas only comes once a year." - James Bond.

[iamtoffee]

dot shit where you eat.(god father)

ayaw kalibang sa lamisa.(noy timoy)/.......lol..

[nonoyantoine]

"Introduce some variety to your **x life: use the other hand."

hahahahahaha nice2x..