Merged: Jokes

[yeh]

---

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever
do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a
GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and
subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when
he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
round her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A
few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches
her and has his way with her. After they
are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself,
"I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days
and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a
while to catch her, but when he does,
it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs
himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as
promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to
order the 7-day/ 50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
you're mine."

[Jacopo]

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts,
>and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken
>down and now published by court reporters who had
the torment
>of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
_____________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
> memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you
> forgot?
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
with you?
>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>_____________________________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that
> morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in
> voodoo?
>WITNESS: We both do.
>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>WITNESS: We do.
>ATTORNEY: You do?
>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in
> his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
> morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>___________________________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is
> he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>________________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant
> to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why
> I was doing an autopsy on him!
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh?
>______________________________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was
> alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
alive,
> nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and
> practicing law.

[SPRINGFIELD_XD_40]

GOT THIS FROM E-MAIL



Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.?

? Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ......


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
?

rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[MandYX]

Bisaya Espesyal 2 ol d girls,<<<<<<<<<


1. Kung muingon mi nga gwapa ka, ayaw dayon tubag ug "atik!"...Panagsa ra
mi mu dayg ug gwapa...obyusleh, kung gitawag ka nga "gwapa" naa jud mi
enteres nimo...kinsa man sad kuno ang tarong nga laki tawagon kang "bati'g
nawng!" atubangan sa kadaghanan... Di kaha mi katilaw ug plying kick ana?

2. Mangutana gani mi kung kanus-a imong RD ug kung abelabol ba ka ana, kana
nagpasabot kung pwede ba ka ma detdet (DATE ba sa ininggles)...ayaw sa mi
baraha kay magutana lagi mi nimu ug strait...amo lang gityming-tyming kay
mauwawon man sab tawn mi mga kwanggolon...


3. Kung nakabantay na ka nga nagsige na mi ug sunod-sunod nimo, maka-baynte
na mi ug grit nimo gud morning, or ikaw na lang pirmi tagdon, makig dungan
ug uli bisan nort ug sawt, langit ug lupa ang gilay- on sa atong balay wid
matching "Ako lang dala sa imo tings beh!", kana ganahan jud mi nimo...
Pero sa pirmi natong kinuyog ug detdet (DATE sa ininggles pa), ayaw sad
pangutana ug dali-dali "Wat r we?" or sa binisaya pa, "Unsa man jud diay
ta?"...Inahak, makulbaan sad mi gamay...we also feel a bit presyur... Kalma
lang gud...musulti lagi mi in dyu taym. =)


4. Kung kahibaw na jud ka nga ganahan mi nimo kay nisulti na man jud mi
(hala ka!) Ayaw sad sige hisgot sa imo Ex-boypren oi...its hurt man
sad...not unlis kung nisturya ka sa panahong gigukod siya sa inyong IRO nga
nisutoy siya ug dagan kay por syur I will lap wid u.


5. Hangyo lang sad, kung nakakita ka sa imong crush o di ba kaha nakakita
ka ug laki nga purting gwapoha, ayaw sad panguhit namo, "Gwapo kay siya
noh?" Hala plis! Laki intawn mi ug dili pud mi hiligon sa imong crush...
Masuko ra ba mo mu comentaryo mi, "Gwapo pa man akong lolo ana!"


6. Sa panahon nga mag-date na tah, por syur kami man jud gasto, be konsyus
wid yor dayet ha para konsyus pud mi sa among bulsa...kung kada adlaw na ta
date ug nakabantay mo nga chippy ug tubig na lang among gi-order, KKB na ta
ha...salamat sa pagsabot.


7. But op cors labaw sa tanan, ayaw kaayo ni ninyo siryusuha kay basin mu
comantaryo mo, mapikon mo ug ibalik ni ninyo nako, mamisti mo....Dyok dyok
ra ni...


8. Pero kung dili na jud madala kay naglagot jud mo mga babaye
ani...Iporward sa tanang babaye nga kaila ninyo nga wala pa makabasa....
Pag porma dayon mo ug grupo nga Gabriella (lugar ninyo) chapter....


9. Sa mga lalake, kalingawi ninyo ug porward pero ayaw sa inyong naibgan
kay basin instant basted niya mo ana!


Pahabol: Kung magpakuyog mo mirkado...ayaw pud mi paalsaha ug usa ka sakong
bugas... Kilo-kiloha pud na....=)

[MandYX]

A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning...
coffee, croissants, bread, butter jam when an American, chewing gum,
sits down next
to him. The Pinoy ignores the Kano who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation:

Kano: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"
Pinoy (nayayabangan sa Kano): "Of course."
Kano: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."
The American has a smirk on his face.
The Pinoy listens in silence. Still The American persists.
Kano: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Pinoy:"Of Course."
Kano: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In
America we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."

The Pinoy (asar na talaga) asks: "Do you have *** in America?"
Kano: "Why of course we do."
Pinoy (now smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Kano (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."
Pinoy: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we Put them in a
container,
recycle them, melt them Into chewing gum and sell them to America.
Yahooooooooo!!!!

[MandYX]

Who Died the Worst Death?

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However,
St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants
today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter
takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they
died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating
on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to
see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I
heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for
the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The
last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I
started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't
fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it
until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't
kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator
from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But
then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom
and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the
first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment
building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was
practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my
balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before
grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull
myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony
and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he
seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up
again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I
fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't
believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw
was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me
and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then
he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

[mique]

=PERFECT MARRIAGE=

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to Saint Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe thirteen," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"And?" asked the second guy.

"She was riding a skateboard."

[Jacopo]

A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning...coffee, croissants,bread, butter & jam when an American, chewing a gum, sits down next to him. ThePinoy ignores the Kano who,nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Kano: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"

Pinoy (nayayabangan sa Kano): "Of course."

Kano: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. Still The American persists.

Kano: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Pinoy: "Of Course."

Kano: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."

Pinoyasar na talaga) asks: "Do you ve *** in America?"

Kano:"Why of course we do."

Pinoynow smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Kano: (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."

Pinoy: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to America...BWAHAHAHA!!

[bud_boy79]

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

[bud_boy79]

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!