Merged: Jokes

[cLowNanGeL]

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Just a thought for all the women out there.

MENtal illness


MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Birthday

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with
his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar?
A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She said, "I want a divorce."

He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on
spending that much."

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Good Quickies

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.


pinili-an nalang ilaha.

[tahbiapo]

bwehehehehehehe! very good! two thumbs up!

[pnk_shadows]

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

TUMPAK! :mrgreen:

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

here's is another one.....
Groom To Be

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

[jonz]

ang taong walay ka2log................ SLEEPLESS
ang taong y batasan......................BACKLESS
ang taong y cge panakop...............PULESS
ang taong maulawon......................THICKLESS
ang taong gago..............................BRAINLESS
ang taong ADIK.............................LIVE...LESS

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Butt Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

kiss sa lubot.... hikhikhik

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

The Bear and the Racoon

A bear and a racoon were walking through
the woods one day. They came across a genie
who was lost in the woods. The gennie was so
happy with the directions that the animals
gave him that he said to them, "I will give
you both three wishes each." He turned to the
bear first.

The bear (who was really into ***), said,
"Ok, ok...I want...All the bears in this forest
to be female, except me!" Poof! It was done.

The genie turnned to the racoon. The racoon
thought for a minute, and said, "I want a...MOTORCYCLE!"

The bear thought he was crazy, but the genie
granted his wish.

Turning back to the bear, he goes, "I wish..
the bears in the next forest over were female,
too!" POOF! It was done.

The racoon thinks for a minute, and says, "I want a motor
cycle HELMET!"

The bear says, "Youi idiot! You could ask for
all the money in the world and BUY those things!
You're wasting your wishes on JUNK!"

The racoon just shrugged, and POOF!-it was done.

The bear's final wish was, after very little
thinking, "I wish all the bears in the whole world
(except for me) were female!"

Poof, it was done.

The bear and the Genie look at the racoon
expectantly. The racoon got on his motor cycle,
strapped on the helmet, and turns it on. He reved
the engine and said, "I wish the all the bear in the world
were GAY!" and drives away.

marunong jud kaayo! hahhahahahahaha

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Idiot Sightings

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."