Merged: Jokes

[ares623]

---

haha
some more:

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood
on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder
was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through
a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "****, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came
up four or five times."

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your
problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to
the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The
principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that
I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a
question?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with
a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

enjoy!

[ares623]

A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, fathers, grandfathers etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads and old men she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in the envelope.... along with this note:

Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary

[tahbiapo]

bwahahahah! damn priest! ipasaylo nalang na! ehehehe

[ground_crashed]

why is everyone eager to read some *green jokes*?

[Disturbed_Angel16]

wahahahha.... ang priest diay ang lover sa iya mommy.... wat a joke ......

[dishwasher]

I'ts Dark in Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't.
I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again"

hahaha i like! tanks for making my day.. hahaha

buang manang bataa iya rang inahan iyang gipamusuhan..

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Funny Facts About Americans
[size=9px]
Only 30% can flare their nostrils.
21% don't make their bed daily. 5% never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 store their dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% admit to occassionally doing their offspring's homework.
91% lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
10% claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% will eat Spam this year.
70% drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% skip lunch daily.
9% skip breakfast daily.
66% eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush their teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% know their cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% always wash their hands after using the toilet.
39% peek in their host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% ignore RSVP.
71.6% eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
20% have played in a band at one time in their life.
40% have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% have forgotten their own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% say we're average-looking.
90% depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 don't wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.[/size]

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

Gotta Love Beer

[size=10px]You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
- Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
- Winston Churchill's reply

Sir, you are drunk.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.

Yes, and you, madam, are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.
- Winston Churchill's reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
- Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
- For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
- Homer Simpson[/size]

[crinkle]

POLITICALLY CORRECT BEDTIME STORIES

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a
basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house, not
because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous
and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was
not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people
believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set
foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own
budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who
asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my
grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature
adult."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely
valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.

But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence
to linear, Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to Grandma's
house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of
action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see
you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a
bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smcllcd much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of
bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her.

Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent tendency
toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion other personal
space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage,
he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding
Hood and the wolf both stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to
him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you!" she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume
that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of
the wolf's mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household
based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the
woods happily ever after.

[ChiNo_mOReNo]

.: Choking


Pinoy: doc, I accidentally swallowed a chickenbone!
Doc: is it choking?
Pinoy:no, it's max's.
Doc: I don't mean chow king, I mean are you choking?
Pinoy:NO DOC, I'M SERIOUS!