SnowPH

You never fully realize how good sleeping on your own bed feels until you haven't. There was once in my life where I found myself sleeping on someone else's bed. I stared up the ceiling as I thought about the life I've had forsaken.. And that is just the beginning of how my life started to falter.. completely.


People go through life and things happen to them. Most of the time these things do not turn out the way we expect them to be. In a person's lifetime there are always these specific events that change our lives. These events change us, for the better or worse and we are never quite the same after that. This is the kind of where I'm at. I've lived more of a life than anyone my age ever should, and most of it has been the worse parts of life..


Some nights in the depths of my dreams I would find myself with a dagger on my hands, soaked in blood as the corpse of the people I love lie in front of me. I squeeze my eyes hard enough and struggle for comfort, gently reliving a blissful, picturesque image of a once happy childhood where the only feelings that ever existed inside were love and happiness.. but just for a brief moment until it all starts to wither and crumble at my feet. It feels like I've finally found the light at the end of the tunnel though I can't seem to keep it in my grasp. Then I wake up from the same endless nightmare.


In a battle going on inside my head I feel like I'm getting split in two.. I feel hopeless, that life never changes, that what's missing never changes and the person you are never really changes. You may try and for a while you can keep a mask in front of your face but your true self shows up in the end. Then you realize that it's not worth putting the mask up in the first place. You're still the same incomplete person.


The other half of my head feels like that light at the end of the tunnel is reachable.. that if I work just a little harder then I can get it. The image, at the end the day, stays whole instead of crumbling. But these two feelings battle inside me with no remorse for the heart that imprisons them.


Days go by and I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if anything I do really makes a difference. I just want a simple life. I don't want to deal with my head and the insane things that go on inside of it. Because of these feelings I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. There will never be anyone there to tell me that everything will be okay. There will never be anyone there for me at the end of the day to cuddle up next to and feel safe. I feel that anyone I get close to gets hurt or I screw it up and I end up getting hurt.


Often times, whenever I'm alone, I think hard and ask myself why I can't settle these feelings and emotions I have inside of me.. and just be a normal person. Why do I feel like I have a big secret that no one else has and will never understand because I don't even understand it myself? Sometimes I just want to leave, or fast forward to hopefully know that everything turns out okay in the end.


I don't want to be alone anymore.. That's really what it comes down to. I don't want to live this life without knowing what real love is.. without knowing what it feels like.. to have someone I can share the rest of my life with..


" .. save me "