LeeLeePot

dear child,

i am still three and twenty years living and you're still five. you know not of my existence and you need not know of it actually. i am just flustered with the recent events that occured that made a complete 360 degrees sommersault in my life-- it was the day i heard the news about you. note that i am not blaming you dear. i am just telling you a tale that you might read perhaps one day when you reached the age of reason and of love.

your father met your mother five years ago when your father ran away from home. it must have been cupid's most boring day that he thought of strucking both of them with love arrows which made them infatuated with each other instantly and for a week, they made love. your father wants to continue that blooming relationship so he saved your mother's number on his phone the day that he was about to leave and go back to his home. he was, probably, seven and ten years and your mother was about two years older.

Fate, on the other hand, had other plans for their lives. you see, Fate, my dear, is a very troublesome fellow. He always acts upon whatever he wishes without so much as a wink on what these mere mortals would do after the tempest he would put them in. He is like Loki, the norse god of mischief, who would throw upon your ordinary life some practical joke and afterwards, leaves you with the problem to solve all on your own. well, anyways, Fate interrupted and had your father's phone stolen-- which is actually, i'd say, the first 360-degree-sommersault on his life. he lost contact of the girl he fell in love with and he had no way of getting it back. when you are of my present age, you would find loopholes and errors on their actions. but when you are 17years old, you can not comprehend that solution YET. i hope you understood that part.

now, weeks later, your father met me through cyberspace. it was again Cupid's most boring day that he thought again of putting his love charms at work on your poor father's heart. I became his goddess. you may ask why. well, dear, he fell in love with a piece of me. a picture of me in a lopsided grin showing the majority of my right cheek-- that was my signature pose. and he has not met me in person yet. i was islands away from where he was. to him, i was unimaginable (this is where the goddess part came to be). he almost gave up on thought about being with me in one place that his heart decided to meet other women that can be physically present for him. dear, your father is a very touchy man. just like all the male specie. if you will ever read or know about this letter, i'm sure you would agree. men can't stand a day without a touch of a woman. they fall easily as preys for that. until now, child, it would still amaze and faze me on how men can easily fall for other temptations without ever thinking of the women who loves and wishes for them to have their eyes set only to them women. don't you think it is but unfair?

but of course, i still want to explain dear. i have written this letter in a blog, in high hopes that my mischievous fellow named Fate would make you stumble upon these words once you've reached the age where you will understand enough about love and life. you may have grown knowing only your mother and your grandparents, but be aware little one, that you won't be in this planet without a sperm donor-- your dad. he loves you dear like any man would love their first born. he had been praying for a child in which i could not bear not knowing that his prayers were already answered and it was you. he never knew of your existence not until recently child. he never knew anything about you at all not until he met an old acquaintance and told him everything. that made a surprise turn of events dear. if you could only see his face after hearing the news. he was troubled as hell. and he cannot tell it to me for he was afraid that it might hurt me. but i know you'd know by now that nothing hurts more than being kept away from the truth. so he told it to me days after. he said, he would let me go. that was the saddest words i've ever heard. he whispered that to me. but it sounded like a screeching sound. i don't know if it was my ears that bled or my head or my heart. i was just in deep pain. i was shattered. after all, i have loved your father in ways adjectives and adverbs cannot fill in. and i wasn't aware of it till that day he let me go. now, i am not quite actually sure if he was saddened by the thought of letting me go but i never saw him cry. maybe he already mastered the art of hiding his tears. your father was a cry baby before. he wasn't scared in showing his emotions everytime i was the one who would let him go. i may not know his reasons on why he did it but i have a hunch that what he did was to actually let me go and be with you. because you are someone he wants to own so bad. he was the one who keeps on wishing me about a child. a child that was you. you must know dear how it pained him knowing that he can't be with you. and i am in pain too knowing that i can't give him what he wanted and that i can't own what he needed. i maybe his last love. but it is an inevitable fact that you and your mom were his firsts. and that's unforgettable.

dear, you may grow up not knowing him or you may grow up with a vague memory of being with him, i hope you won't grow within you hatred towards his absence. i am not part of your story but i am sincerely at guilt with this. if i could only let your father go without difficulty of losing reasonable judgment in life, i could have done so just to make you live a normal life with a complete family. a family which i cannot live up since i can't bear any (or maybe God doesn't want me to bear any YET). dear girl, i wish you'd be old enough to see for yourself how love works on every person and how love bends and breaks every will of every man just to let it rule. for no man on this earth would want misery so they follow their hearts. paradoxically, it makes them sad at the end.

you need not know my name and my face. i don't know your real name and if you'd resemble your father so much. maybe in the future, when you read this, you may be with a complete family with your real father and mother. or maybe you'd have a complete family with your real mother and a stepfather. or maybe you'd grow up with your mother only. who knows, maybe i'd be miserable and lonely by the time you read this or happy with someone else or blissful with your father with me. nobody knows. life's full of wicked twists and cruel plots. but don't hate it. don't hate your dad. i am sorry if you may think that i took your father away in any indirect way. if i could only make ammends to you-- if i could only go back in time and erase the day that your father saw me. maybe in some other realm, you'd be as happy as a princess. but life is never perfect dear. i guess, you'll just need to deal with it.

you may not come from my womb--i wish you were from me-- but i also love you like a mother would love her little girl since you have the genes of the man i soooo love with all my heart. one day, you will love dear. one day, you will know.


from the lunatic upstairs,
Lyra in the Sky with Diamonds