Merged: Selos or Jealousy in Relationships

[kiwiboy]

siguro sa ka daku sa gugma....

[Streetcar]

Ma insecure man sila mao na magselos. You have to put that Selos in the right place most of the time wala sa lugar and that can be the cause of fights and misunderstandings. Useless, wasted energy.

[Isteb]

There are five stages of jealousy. (White, 1981; Brehm, 1985):

1. Suspecting the threat: If you are insecure about a love relationship (not necessarily about yourself in general) and very dependent on your lover, you are likely to be jealous. You may see "signs" of disaster when none are there. Conversely, some people overlook very suggestive signals. In reality, 45% of the people in the Psychology Today survey had cheated on a partner while pretending to be faithful. Men are more likely to deny feeling jealous; women more readily admit it. If the threat to our relationship--the competitor--is attractive, intelligent, successful, etc., we will be more threatened and more disturbed. If we have or want an exclusive sexual relationship with our lover, we will be more threatened by a competitor than if we were in a non-sexual relationship. If we ourselves have been unfaithful to our partners, others might expect us to be less jealous if our partner also has an affair, but research shows that some unfaithful spouses are more jealous (perhaps, in these cases, the greatest threat to the relationship is when both partners have had affairs).

2. Assessing the threat: We may spy on our lover and the rival; we probably lie awake nights worrying about the situation and reviewing the evidence, "Did she come on to him?," "I wonder if he has talked to her?," "Does he love her?," "Wonder if everybody but me knows about it?" Women are concerned about their partner becoming attracted to other women by ***, intelligence, and other attractions, and dissatisfaction with the current relationship. Thus, women feel multiple threats. Men are consciously more concerned about their partner finding someone who will offer a more secure, committed relationship. Men are more concerned (than women) about protecting or re-building their egos if they are "beaten out" by another man; they worry about their partner having *** with someone else (but they'd probably blame the partner if that did happen). Men see a threat and feel jealous first, then worry that something is wrong with them. Women are more concerned with maintaining the relationship; they worry about losing love; they feel inadequate first, then jealous. It is in this intensive worry and spying stage that we go crazy, see the discussion of irrational ideas in chapters 6, 7, and 14.

3. Emotional reactions: If we decide there is a threat to our love, we can have a very wide range of responses: clinging dependency (more women but many men too), violent rage at the competitor or the partner (more men), morbid curiosity, self-criticism, and depression with suicidal thoughts (more women), hurt and resentment of the partner's lack of devotion and resistance, social embarrassment, selfish--sometimes realistic--concerns ("I'd better take the money out of the bank"), urge to "get back at" the partner, fear of losing companionship, loneliness, regrets at giving up all the future plans, etc., etc

The 1950's advocated "family togetherness." In the late 1960's and 1970's there was an "open marriage" movement (O'Neill & O'Neill, 1973); we were told that jealousy was a sign of inconsiderate possessiveness and immaturity, that we were selfishly restricting our partner's love for everyone. Certainly many people tried gallantly to suppress jealous feelings while being open and modern "swingers," but many failed. At the same time, there were arguments that jealousy was a natural, inevitable, and useful reaction (Mace, 1958; Harrison, 1974). Surely, a couple deciding on exclusiveness in their love and sexual life is not always a master-slave relationship, not necessarily one-sided possessiveness. Yet, love is scary. We can be hurt; the lover has power over us; we need to be #1 in his/her life. How does someone become so important in our emotional life? In the same way The Little Prince loved his rose bush (Saints-Exupery, 1943). It's a neat part of a story.

4. Coping response: There are two basic choices--desperately trying to shore up the threatened relationship or trying to protect or bolster your sagging ego. Men are more likely than women to become competitive and/or have angry reactions, often including getting drunk or high. Women more often become weak and depressed; sometimes they act like they don't care; more often, they cry, plead, and blame themselves (Brehm, 1985). Bar talk suggests that recently rejected lovers are sexually on the make and/or sexually "easy." An interesting study by Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, & Young (197 suggests that men and women, when threatened by an unattractive competitor, are about as likely to go out with "someone else" and be sexually aggressive. However, when threatened by an attractive competitor, men felt an even stronger urge to make it with "someone else," while women didn't want to get involved with any other men at all.

5. The outcome: It is important to know if particular emotional and coping responses help or harm threatened relationships. Also, do these responses build or destroy self-esteem? Both self-esteem and love are important. For instance, a threatened lover, who temporarily keeps his/her partner (and protects his/her ego) by threatening violence or suicide or by frantically begging, will probably lose the lover's respect in the process, or in other words, demonstrates lower value.

[Isteb]

so kung nganong dili ta threatened, nganong mahadlok man ka? what i do now, is i just let it go. the woman probably just wasn't too invested in the relationship, and a better model just came along. oh well. i learn from it, pick myself up, dust myself and start all over. no use crying over spilled milk. begging for her to come back on bent knees just isn't my style. i do have some respect for myself. violence doesn't suit my taste as well.

"you want him? go. life's too short not to be enjoyed."

[Streetcar]

so kung nganong dili ta threatened, nganong mahadlok man ka? what i do now, is i just let it go. the woman probably just wasn't too invested in the relationship, and a better model just came along. oh well. i learn from it, pick myself up, dust myself and start all over. no use crying over spilled milk. begging for her to come back on bent knees just isn't my style. i do have some respect for myself. violence doesn't suit my taste as well.

"you want him? go. life's too short not to be enjoyed."

Dapat talaga, just let it go magpaka lalake ang uban dinha. Naka experience na sab ko aning mo change mind ka about a relationship ikaw pa masama. Ako pa gidaut. I do believe i have a right to change my mind when i no longer love a person. Its my life baya and if I sense a person is not going to make me happy, suit myself I'll make that decision not to have you in my life because i know you're not the one. So is that wrong? Nope. I know what i want and if that is not you, sorry na lang. You deserve someone better and so do i.

[n`gel]

naa ko na basa noh about the brain.. naa daw na 3 ka brain.. one of these 'brains' located in the lower part of the brain is called the reptilian brain.. naa daw dira ang animal instinct.. apil na ang territoral2x.. hahaha

O da, scientific pud. Bitaw, makes much sense. Territorial.

[wilner]

others get selos because they are afraid that you might take what they cherish so much insecure lang tiganli so always be sensitive to your partners feelings kay ma hurt sad biya na sila...

[stupid_mind]

para na a thrill ang relationship hehe..

[kiwiboy]

ako as in magsurok akong dugo basta maka basts naay makig textmate sa akong uyab...

[lhykah]

kay naa may
love UGG and etc ...