Kumedya gkan sa imong email...

[jofox]

[jofox]

Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit
ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
************ ********* *********
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,
magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung
kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

************ ********* *********
A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!
************ ********* *********
Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

************ ********* *********

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

************ ********* *********

Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo
ni Mama Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

************ ********* *********

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang
walang parachute!

Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?

Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

************ ********* *********

Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.

Inay: Bakit naman?

Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?

Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

************ ********* *********

Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka
bampira?!

************ ********* *********

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!

SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?

TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang
lumabas!

************ ********* *********

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.

Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo
madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.

************ ********* *********

Boy 1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?

Boy 2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!

Boy 1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!

Boy 2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

************ ********* *********

May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang!
Masyadong mapait!

************ ********* *********

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig
sa bote ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate

[potterboy]

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig
sa bote ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate

galing naman ni inday. wehehehehe.

[jfranz31]

medyo pang PG..

JOKE, JOKE, JOKE!!!


1. Tatlong madre nagpunta sa palengke:
Madre1 : Magkano itong talong?
Tindera : Sampung piso ang apat na piraso.
Madre2 : Paano yan sister, tatlo lang ang kailangan
natin?
Madre3 : Bilhin mo na sister, yung isa ulam na lang
natin.

2. Teacher : Student, bakit mo dinala dito classroom
yang pusa?!
Student : Nakakaawa po kasi iiwan sa bahay.
Teacher : Bakit?
Student : Narinig ko po kasi kagabi yung ate ko sinabi
sa boyfriend
niya
na, "Bukas I will let you eat my pukaykay."

3. At a job interview?
Manager : Marunong ka ba mag-fax at mag-xerox?
Sexy applicant : Naku po, sir. Hindi pa ako na-xerox, pero maraming
beses na ako na-f*cks.

4. Pare1 : Ang t*nga talaga ng kapitbahay ko.
Pare2 : Bakit p're?
Pare1 : Ang pagka-intindi niya sa LAWSUIT e uniporme
ng pulis.
Pare2 : Ang t*nga naman niya! Hindi ba suot ng
abogado yun.

5. A wife wanted to scare her alcoholic husband. One
night, he comes home dead drunk, she dresses up as satan?
Husband : Shhino ka? (hik)
Wife : Si Satanas! Kukunin ko na kita!
Husband : Huwag mo akong takutin? asawa ko ang kapatid
mo!

6. Nanay : Naku anak, ang dami mo dalang pera at
pasalubong. Anim na buwan ka pa lang nagtratrabaho sa Japan a.
Anak : Ay naku Inay, kung dalawa lang ang pekpek ko,
DOBLE pa yan!

7. Bagong kasal si Elias, humingi siya ng tip satatay niya?
Elias : ' Tay, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat ko
gawin sa honeymoon.
Tatay : Madali yan anak, basta ilagay mo ang
pinaka-matigas na parte ng katawan mo kung saan siya umiihi.
(Kinabukasan)
Tatay : O Elias, ayos ba kagabi anak?
Elias : Ginawa ko yung sinabi mo ' Tay, muntik na
akong malunod nang ipasok ko ang ulo ko sa inidoro namin.

8. Three Essential Things in Life:
1. Good food
2. Good sleep
3. Good ***
Number 3 lang puede na. Kasi habang nag-se-*** ka,
kinakain mo. After *** you sleep.

9. Magkumare nag-chichikahan?
Mare1 : Kinakausap mo ba ang mister mo habang nakikipag-*** ka?
Mare2 : Hindi ah! Pinapatay ko ang celphone ko para di niya ako
matawagan.

10. Sexy woman nagkukumpisal sa simbahan?
Sexy : Those are all my sins, Father. I hope God will
forgive me.
Priest : He does, my child. Pero ikwento mo nga uli
yung tungkol sa ******* at 69.

11. Nagkita ang pari at madre sa isang seminar?
Pari : Ano ang apelyido mo, Sister?
Madre : Hulaan mo, hinahawakan mo gabi-gabi.
Pari : manoy !?!
Madre : Susmaryosep! Rosario po ang apelyido ko!

12. Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing on the porch, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat next to you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had touched me that way since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing made me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just spread my old legs and said 'take me young man, take me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he yelled 'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son of a *****!!!"

:mrgreen:

[jofox]

[jofox]

UHAW ***


UHAW - Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives


The foreign chapter of the fraternity of husband composed of:
YUKUSA (Yuko sa Asawa)
SANSUWI (Isang Sutsot, Uwi)
UTIN (Unyon ng mga Tatay na Inaapi ng mga Nanay)


When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."


You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin, tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."


When you say: Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"


You really mean: "Hiwalay ang puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada."


When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw/"


You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan."


When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"


You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."


When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"


You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"


When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"


You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong sapatos na bibilhin ko!"


When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin!"


You really mean" "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko pagkatapos mong basahin."


When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"


You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!"


When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"


You really mean: "Hindi puwede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa."

[jofox]

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)



*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having ***


for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on


the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have *** with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)



*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have *** with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only

"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have *** for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)





*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did the govt. pay for this research??)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez. My life is complete, I can die now)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last.....



Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

[jfranz31]

Genie in a Bottle

Dalawang taon nang stranded sa isang malayo at maliit na island sina Richard Goumez, Aga Muchluck, at Rostum Paid-illa. Nagiging desperado na sila sa lungkot, lalo na sina Richard at Aga dahil miss na miss na nila ang kanilang mga magaganda at seksing mga asawa.

Isang umaga, naglalakad si Aga sa dalampasigan ng isla nang may mamataan siyang isang botelya na lulutang-lutang sa mababaw na parte ng dagat. Kinuha niya ang botelya at tiningnan. Parang may figure sa loob ng botelya na hindi niya mahinuha kung ano. Tinawag niya sina Richard at Rostum.

Sabi ni Richard, "Naku, baka iyan ang sinasabi nilang Genie in a Bottle. Malaking suwerte natin kung magkakakagayon. Alisin mo ang takip, alisin mo ang takip!"

Inalis ni Aga ang takip ng botelya. Lumabas mula sa botelya ang isang makapal na usok at naging isang tao. Tunay na Genie nga pala!

Genie: "Maraming salamat mga Panginoon ko at hinango ninyo ako sa isang masamang sumpa na nagkulong sa akin sa botelya ng ilang libong taon. Bilang gantimpala sa inyo ay bibigyan ko kayo ng pagkakataon na humiling ng isang hiling, at anuman ang hilingin ninyo ay matutupad."

Si Aga ang unang humiling. "Hinihiling ko na magkaroon ako ng isang Victorian-style na mansion sa Boracay at isang kotseng Alfa-Romeo at ang makapiling kong muli ang aking misis." (Walang comma o period ang sentence ni Aga kaya considered isang hiling lamang iyon.)

Genie: "Master, your wish is my command." Poooof! Nang sandali ring yoon ay nasa isang Victorian style mansion sa Boracay si Aga, may kotseng Alfa-Romeo sa garahe, nagnu-nude sanbathing siya sa balcony ng mansion, kasama ang kanyang maalindog na misis.

Si Richard ang sumunod humiling. "Hinihiling ko na magkaroon ako ng isang Colonial-style na mansion sa Pagudpod at isang kotseng Lamborghini at ang makapiling kong muli ang aking misis." (Walang ring comma o period ang sentence ni kaya considered isang hiling lamang iyon.)

Genie: "Master, your wish is my command." Poooof! Nang sandali ring yoon ay nasa isang Colonial-style mansion sa Pagudpod si Richard, may kotseng Lamborghini sa garahe, at nagnu-nude sunbathing siya sa veranda ng mansion, kasama ang kanyang seksing-seksing misis.

Bumaling na ang Genie kay Rostum, at nagtanong, "O ano Master ang gusto mong hilingin?"

Rostum: "Nakakalungkot naman, nag-iisa na ako. Hinihiling ko na ibalik mo dito sina Aga at Richard."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

bayot jed...

[jofox]

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with
so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend
however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin
hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that
was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing,
they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last
night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came
back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[batibot]

nindota ani nga thread wui... hehehe