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[jofox]

Reporter to Pacquiao:

Reporter: Mr. Pacquiao, Since you are eyeing for a congressional post,
ano
po ang masasabi nyo sa "Peace and Order" dito sa Gen-San?

Pacquiao: Dyan pu tayu nalolongkot. Kasi kunti na lang pu ang "Fish"
piro
ang dami ng "Urdir".



Ha Ha Ha Ha. Ibutu c Pacquiao. Patay tayu dyan. Onli in the Pilipins.

[AnGelicFace_07]

UHAW ***


UHAW - Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives


The foreign chapter of the fraternity of husband composed of:
YUKUSA (Yuko sa Asawa)
SANSUWI (Isang Sutsot, Uwi)
UTIN (Unyon ng mga Tatay na Inaapi ng mga Nanay)


When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."


You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin, tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."


When you say: Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"


You really mean: "Hiwalay ang puti sa de-kolor at baka kumupas ang labada."


When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw/"


You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan."


When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"


You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."


When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"


You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"


When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"


You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong sapatos na bibilhin ko!"


When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin!"


You really mean" "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko pagkatapos mong basahin."


When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"


You really mean: "Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!"


When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"


You really mean: "Hindi puwede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa."

[jofox]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed *** obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country. . we don't speak aloud in public places about our *** lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta ***?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
Mississippi'."

[pagano]

[jofox]

> > ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

> > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> >
> > Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> >
> > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> >
> > Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >
> > OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> >
> > Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> >
> > Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> >
> > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> >
> > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >
SHOPPING MATH
> >
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> >
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


> > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> >
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> >
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

> > HAPPINESS
> >
> > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
> >
> > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
> >
> > LONGEVITY
> >
> > Married men live longer than single men do, but married
> > men are a lot more willing to die.

> > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> >
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
> > doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
> > she does.

> > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> >
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> >
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
> > argument.
> >
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[jofox]

DyOkS

PaTaWa





Businessman

May batang Businessman ang nagtayo ng kanyang Company. Nag renta siya ng Office sa isang malaking Building sa Makati .
Isang umaga, may nakita siyang lalaking Customer na papasok sa office. Para makita ng Customer na busy ang Company, kinuha agad ang telephone at nag kunwari na may malaking 'deal' na nagaganap. Makalipas ang ilang minuto, ibinaba na rin ang phone.

Businessman: Good morning Sir. Can I help you?
Lalaki: Nandito po ako para mag-activate ng phone lines ng office niyo!

************************************************** *******************
Tanga1: Pare akyat ka sa puno,pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na.
Tanga2(umakyat pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare! hinog na!
Tanga1:cge baba ka na.... sungkitin na natin!!!!

************************************************** ****************

Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

************************************************** *****************

Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya…
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!

************************************************** *****************
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

************************************************** ******************
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko…
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!

************************************************** *******************
Buntis si mommy…
Anak: Mommy, ano po ang nasa tiyan ninyo?
Mommy: Kapatid mo.
Anak: Mahal n'yo po ba siya?
Mommy: Syempre!
Anak: Eh bakit po kinain ninyo siya?


************************************************** *******************
isang gabi, sa sementeryo... ~~~

GUARD: Diyos ko! kala ko kaluluwa ka! Ano ba kasi pinupukpok mo dyan sa lapida, ah?

NAGPUPUKPOK: Ang tatanga nila! Wrong spelling ang pangalan ko! Inaayos ko lang, sir!
************************************************** *****************

Isang araw may isang bata nag-ngangalang gareth, si gareth ay sumali sa isang radio contest para maging VJ.. Kaso may kalaban cia.. Tapos, sabi ng may ari ng station natalo si Gareth.. Pag uwi ni Gareth.. Tuwang-tuwa ung nanay ni Gareth.Sabi ng inay "Gareth! ang galing-galing mo talaga!".. Sabi naman ni Gareth "Diah, kita mo namang talo aq" sabi ng nanay "Eh bakit sabi sa radio "Championcigarette!"

************************************************** ******************
nanay:anak ano tong zero sa test paper mo? ~
anak:nay hindi po yan zero, naubusan po kasi ng star si maam kaya binigyan nya akong moon
************************************************** *******************


Albularyo: Mrs. hindi kaya na, hinampas ng masamang hangin itong anak mo?ha?
Mrs. Ewan ko ho..hindi pa naman kasi ako nakakakita ng hangin na may dalang panghampas eh!!!


************************************************** ******************

Binata: Ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo.
Ale: Huwag muna. Nag-aaral pa sya.
Binata: Sige po, kapag uwian na lang nila.

************************************************** ******************

Apo : Bilib talaga ako sa inyo, lolo! Hanggang ngayon, Sweetheart at Honeyâ pa rin ang tawag mo kay lola!
Lolo: Ssshhh¦ teknik ˜yan! Nakalimutan ko na kasi ang pangalan ng lola mo!

************************************************** ******************

Kapag nagalit sa iyo ang minamahal mo at ayaw tumigil sa kasusumbat sa iyo, huwag kang magalit.
Huwag kang sumabay.
Yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo sa kanya, "Ang ingay mo! Ipapasok kita sa sako!"

************************************************** ********************

Anak: Magpapakamatay na ako! Lagi na lang akong mali ! Wala na kong ginawang tama! Di nyo ko mahal!


Ama: Anak, nagkakamali ka.
Anak: Tingnan niyo! Mali na naman ako!

************************************************** ******************

Bogart: oi pare astig pala ng ngipin mo e! parang exams!
Jopert: o talaga pare?! pano mo naman nasabi yan?!
Bogart: kasi "one seat apart"
************************************************** ********************
Boyfriend: Honey, susunduin kita. Bubusina na lang ako pag nandiyan na ako.
Girlfriend: Okey. May dala ka bang kotse?
Boyfriend: Wala! BUSINA LANG!

************************************************** ******************
Boy: 'Nay! Muntik na akong maging top 1 sa klase!
Nanay: Bakit mo naman nasabi 'yan?
Boy: In-announce kasi kanina 'yung top 1 sa klase. Ang itinuro ni ma'am, 'yung katabi ko. muntik
na ako!


************************************************** ********************

Sa isang museum.
Boyet: Ito bang pangit na 'to ang tinatawag ninyong 'art'?! Ang pangit! Nakasusuka!
Guide: Hindi po, sir. salamin po 'yan!


************************************************** ********************

Tumakbo ang bata dahil male-late na siya. Nagdasal siya, "Diyos ko, tulungan po ninyo akong huwag ma-late."
Sa kanyang pagmamadali, nadapa siya.
"Diyos ko naman, 'wag N'yo naman akong itulak!"


************************************************** ********************

Bruno: Ano 'yang nasa papel na 'yan?
Pedro: Listahan ng mga takot sa akin.
Bruno: Patingin nga! Teka. bakit andito ang pangalan ko?
Pedro: Bakit, lalaban ka ba sa akin?
Bruno: Oo!
Pedro: Kung ganu'n. tanggalin! Problema ba 'yun?



************************************************** *******************

Usapan ng dalawang baliw…
Baliw #1: Kanina pa nakadapo sa 'yo 'yang lamok, bakit hindi mo pa patayin?
Baliw #2: Hinihintay kong mabusog saka ko hahabulin para magka-appendicitis!


************************************************** ********************

Lumubog ang barko. Patay lahat ng tao sa loob, maliban sa isang Ita.
Ita: Halika, pating… kainin mo ako!
Pating: Huwag mo akong lokohin! Hindi ako tanga! PUSIT ka! Ambisyoso!!!


************************************************** ********************

MONKEY 1:sarap ng saging tara sa puno akyat tayo.
MONKEY 2:ayaw ko sawa na ako dyan,kaw na lang.
MONKEY 1: tara samahan mo ako umakyat.
MONKEY 2:ang kulit mo ayaw ko sabi..yang nagbabasa na lang ang yayain mo...

[blackmagic]

[jofox]

[mavanz]

Smart talaga ang pinoy...

A Filipino walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
officer.

He told the loan officer that he is going to the Philippines for a
business trip In two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank needs some form of security for
the loan, so the Filipino handed over the keys of a new Ferrari. The car
was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Filipino then gave him
the title of the car and checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Pinoy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Pinoy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, that amounted to $15.41.

The amused loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to do business
with you, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is, why would you bother
to borrow $5,000?"

The Pinoy replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Kaya
ba nila yon? SMART talaga ang Pinoy.

[kaziekc]

Naglalakad ako sa may Recto, napagod ako mula sa rally sa Mendiola kaya umisplit na ako...nadaanan ko mga vendors (mga kapatid na MUslim,sorry ha)...Deebeede!Deebeede!Deebeede! ang sigaw ng mga nagtitinda...kriminal din daw ang bumili ng nakaw kaya doon na lang ako tumingin sa mga songhits na binebenta...nagulat ako!tang-ina! ang mura lang..bili ako kaagad, pero pag-uwi ko, punyeta! ito pala ang laman!

PAG MURA ANG SONGHITS NA NABILI MO....(baguhin ba ang lyrics!?)


I decided long ago, never to walk in edu manzano...
(I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's
shadow)


Cry by Mandy Moore - A walk to remember... it
was late afternoon! (I'll always remember, it was
late afternoon)


All My Life by K-ci and Jojo - supposed to be
you're like my mother,supposed to be you're like
my sister (close to me you're like my mother...
close to me you're like my sister)


Where's the Love - People killing, people flying,
children hurt an living, crying... (People killing,
people dying; children hurt and you hear them
crying)

Leaving on a jet plane - so kiss me and SMAFFLE
me... (so kiss me and smile for me...)


Usher & Alicia's My Boo - It started when we were
younger you were NINE... (It started when we were
younger you were mine)
Eto pa: ...and you were my BEYBLADE... it
started when were younger you were FINE...
hehehe....


(eto isa sa mga naging favorites, hehehe...)
If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys - "some people
want TAMBOURINES.." (diamond rings)

Britney's Baby One More Time - My ONLY NEST
is killing me... and I........ (My loneliness....)


Thumbthumping (Chumbawumba) - I get knocked
down by an elephant, my mommas's gonna bring
me down... (I get knocked down, but I get up
again...)

Crush by Jennifer Paige - "i-splash, a little crush.."
("it's just.. a little crush..")

Red Hot's Californication - "Viva Californication...."
(Dream of Californication...) - pramis! guilty ako
dito


No scrubs, TLC - "A scrub is a guy who thinks he's
fine but is also known as a BUS STOP" (buster)


Waterfalls by TLC: Don't go JASON waterfalls...
(Chasin')


John Mayer - You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND...
You're ALICE IN WONDERLAND I'll use my hands
(Body is a wonderland)


Baa Baa Black Sheep: "Baa baa black sheep,
heavy on the road..."

With A Smile by Eraserheads: "lift ur HAND.. baby
dont be scared.. of the things that could go wrong
along the way.. (HEAD!!!)


Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin by Kitchie Nadal:
maaaaaaaaaag... , magdamag mong
sasabihin........

On Bended Knees by Boyz II Men: Oh God give
me the reason, I'M DOWN... ABANDON ME... (I'm
down on bended knee)



Soul of Christ... sat beside me... (sanctify me! )


ETO ANG "THE BEST!"


Nothing's gonna change my love for you... you
know NAMAN MY LOVE how much I love you...