IS THAT YOU
?
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No!
you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-
lift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of
God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years to
live?" Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God
replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a
question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples,
what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!
BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it
is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which
there never to you!" - words of wisdom from Senator Lito Lapid.
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms.
Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin siya!
Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
KONSEHAL: Paki acknowledge c Mayor. Late dumating, hayun kararaan
lang! PEDRO (Emcee): I WUD LYK TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE LATE MAYOR HU JUST
PASSED AWAY..
Laki: Kuhaon ko ang mga bitoon og ihatag ko kanimo.
Babae: saba diha! wa man gali ka kakuha anang kugmo gatambisay sa
imong ilong...
Laki: AW! sorry day ha..wala man gud ko nasayod nga gusto sad ka
ani.....
BABAE: ka gwapo sa pari, unsa man akong buhaton para mapansin sa
pari?
Ahhh, akong ibutang ning panty naku sa lamesa.
PARI: kinsa nang pante diri sa lamesa?
BABAE: ako padre
PARI: naay tae gamay.
Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! p**a pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang
bungo!
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po
kasi ako driver ng funenaria
1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...
1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!
In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!
Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow
mag slide-slide!!!
Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable?
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!
Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim
Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano
ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!
Bugtungan
Patpat mong matigas
Labas masok sa butas,
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling
Kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?............
Cotton buds! Wag daw dumi isip, bad iyan.
Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.
What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!
Applicants
2 girls nag-aaply ng work. 1 matalino, 1 bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko
sa ***, sure.
Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who
the father is?"
Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko.
Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan,
Sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya.
matatakot na 'yan!
Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs : magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs : tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs : nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs : wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!
3 brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their name :
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck.
Fu decided to go back to China .
Man : I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me
i n 6 months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
A - almost gone
B - barelly noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - exremely big and
F - Fake
Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou
Chalk Amo : 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis.
Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ......
Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
Katapusan Lumindol ng malakas noon....
Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang isang lalake..
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake..
"Tanga, a kinse pa lang."
dredd41v576 juks
lingaw sad
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