Kumedya gkan sa imong email...

[jofox]

---

post lang ninyo ang mga joke nga gkan sa email...

[jofox]

lets smile for a while


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from the Philippines, another from

Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to

examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some

measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for

materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some

measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do

$700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the

White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, " What? ! You didn't even measure like

the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high

figure?"

How do you expect me to co nsider your

service with that bid?

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire

the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

[jfranz31]

[jofox]

1. Crash Landing

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super
models conference in Paris , when the captain of the plane announces, "We
have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash
landing, assume the brace position immediately!"

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls
out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and
Cindy ask, "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are
about to friggin' crash!"

Claudia responds, "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and
save first, the ones who have the best looking faces...which is why I am
putting on my make-up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh
which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your
senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are
about to die!"

Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue
workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts... which is
why I am exposing my t *t s!"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose
her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi... Are you
crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing
the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
__________________________________________________ __________________________

2. Girl's Night Out

Two women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten somewhat
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery. Neither one of them had anything to wipe with. One of
the women thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a
grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use
that.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!
"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came back with a card
stuck to her arse that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
never forget you.'"
__________________________________________________ __________________________
3. Face Lift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"


"About 32," is the reply.


"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."


The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd
say 30."


Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.


He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I
was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently
pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"


He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."


Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?'


The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"


"I promise I won't." she says.


"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[jofox]

>>One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
>> > >apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and
>> > >gave up beans.
>> > >
>> > >Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
>> > >home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my
>> > >husband and told him that
>> > >
>> > >I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by
>> > >a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.
>> > >
>> > >With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
>> > >effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
>> > >before I knew it, I had consumed
>> > >
>> > >three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure
>> > >that
>>
>> > >I
>> >
>> > >released ALL the gas.
>> > >
>> > >Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
>> > >
>> > >delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"
>> > >
>> > >He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
>> > >I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
>> > >telephone rang. He
>> > >
>> > >made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
>> > >went
>>
>> > >to answer the call.
>> > >
>> > >The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
>> > >pressure
>> >
>> > >was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the
>> > >room
>>
>> > >I
>> >
>> > >seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
>> > >It
>> >
>> > >was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
>> > >over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my
>> > >lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
>> > >
>> > >Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
>> > >stink
>>
>> > >was worse than cooked cabbage!!!
>> > >
>> > >Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
>> > >room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
>> > >
>> > >The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
>> > >farewells
>> >
>> > >signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
>> > >more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands
>> > >back on
>>
>> > >it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
>> > >
>> > >My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
>> > >returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
>> > >peeked
>>
>> > >through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
>> > >
>> > >At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
>> > >seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Toksis]

hahahahahaha

[jofox]

Bad tagalog translations for English Movie Titles
>
> 1. Black hawk down - ibong maitim sa ibaba
> 2. dead man's chest - dodo ng patay
> 3. i know what you did last summer - uyy... aminin!
> 4. love, actually - sa totoo lang, pag-ibig
> 5. million dollar baby - 50 million pisong sanggol
> (it depends on the exchange rate of the country)
> 6. the blair witch project - ang proyekto ng bruhang
> si blair
> 7. mary poppins - si mariang may putok
> 8. snakes on a plane - nag-ahasan sa ere
> 9. the postman always rings twice - ang kartero
> kapag dumutdot laging dalawang beses
> 10. sum of all fears - takot mo, takot ko, takot
> nating lahat
> 11. swordfish - talakitok
> 12. pretty woman - ganda ng lola mo
> 13. robin hood, men in tights - si robin hood at ang
> mga felix bakat
> 14. 4 weddings in a funeral - kahit 4 na beses ka
> pang magpakasal, mamamatay ka rin
> 15. the good, the bad and the ugly - ako, ikaw,
> kayong lahat
> 16. harry potter and the sorcerer's stone - adik si
> harry, tumira ng shabu
> 17. click - isang pindot ka lang
> 18. brokeback mountain - may nawasak sa likod ng
> bundok ng tralala / bumigay sa bundok
> 19. the day of the death - ayaw tumayo (ng mga
> patay)
> 20. waterworld - basang-basa
> 21. there's something about mary - may kwan sa ano
> ni maria
> 22. employee of the month - ang sipsip
> 23. resident evil - ang biyenan
> 24. kill bill - kilitiin sa bilbil
> 25. the grudge - lintik lang ang walang ganti
> 26. nightmare before christmas - binangungot sa
> noche buena
> 27. annie hall - ang butas ni annie
> 28. never been kissed - pangit kasi
> 29. gone in 60 seconds - 1 round, tulog
> 30. the fast and the furious - ang bitin, galit
> 31. too fast, too furious - kapag sobrang bitin,
> sobrang galit
> 32. dude, where's my car - dong, anong level ulit
> tayo nag-park?
> 33. beauty and the beast - ang asawa ko at ang nanay
> nya
> 34. the lord of the rings - ang alahero

[if_i_aint_got_u]

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire

the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ahaka jud aning pinoy... ng praktis lge corrupt!!!

[jofox]

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire

the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ahaka jud aning pinoy... ng praktis lge corrupt!!!

sinabi mo pah hehehe

[jofox]

One minute breaktime muna!!!

>
> 1. BAKTOL --- ang ikatlong lebel ng mabahong amoy sa kili-kili. Ang
baktol ay kapareho ng amoy ng nabubulok na bayabas. Ito'y dumidikit sa damit, at humahalo sa pawis. madalas na naaamoy tuwing registration, lalo na sa mga GE subject gaya ng natsci, comm, socsci etc, dahil sa sobrang siksikan ng mga estudyante.
>
> 2. KUKURIKAPU --- libag sa ilalim ng boobs. Madalas na namumuo dahil
> sa
labis na baby powder na nilalagay sa katawan. Maaari ding mamuo kung hindi talaga naliligo o naghihilod ang isang babae.
> Mga KUKURIKAPU ay mas madalas mamuo sa mga babaeng malalaki ang joga.
>
> 3. MULMUL--- buhok sa gitna ng isang nunal mahirap ipaliwanag kung
> bakit
nagkakaroon ng MULMUL ang isang nunal. subalit hindi talaga ito naaalis, kahit na bunutin pa ito, maliban na lamang kung ipapa-laser ito
>
> 4. BURNIK --- taeng sumabit sa buhok sa pwet. Madalas nararanasan ng
> mga
taong nagti-tissue lamang pagkatapos tumae. ang BURNIK ay mahirap alisin,lalo na kapag natuyo na ito, ipinapayo sa mga may BURNIK na maligo na lamang upang ito'y maalis.
>
> 5. ALPOMBRA --- kasuotan sa paa na kadalasang makikitang suot ng mga
tindero ng yosi sa Quiapo. Ito'y may makipot na suotan ng paa, at manipis na swelas Mistulang sandalyas ito ng babae pero kadalasang suot ng mga lalaki , Available in blue, red, green, etc.
>
> 6. BAKOKANG --- higanteng peklat. Ito'y madalas na dulot ng mga sugat
> na
malaki. Imbes na normal na balat ang nakatakip sa bakokang, ito'y mayroong makintab na takip.
>
> 7. AGIHAP --- libag na dumikit sa panty o brief dahil sa labis na
pagmamahal sa suot panloob. nabubuo ang AGIHAP kung ang panty o brief ay nasuot na ng hindi bababa sa tatlong araw.
>
> 8. DUKIT --- itoy ang amoy na nakukuha kung isinabit mo ang daliri mo
> sa
iyong puwit....try it to prove it, thats DUKIT.
>
> 9. SPONGKLONG - ito'y isang bagong wika na nangangahulugan sa isang
estupidong tao.
>
> 10. LAPONGGA - ito'y kahintulad sa laplapan o kaya ay lamasan.
>
> 11. WENEKLEK - ito ang buhok sa utong na kadalasang nakikita sa mga
tambay sa kanto na laging nakahubad. Meron din ang babae nito.
>
> 12. BAKTUNG - pinaikling salita ng BAKAT-UTONG.
>
> 13. BAKTI --- bakat panty
>
> 14. ASOGUE --- buhok sa kilikili
>
> 15. BARNAKOLI --- maitim na libag sa batok na naipon sa matagal na
panahon
>
> 16. BULTOKACHI - tubig na tumatalsik sa pwet kapag nalalaglag ang
> isang
malaking ebak
>
> 17. BUTUYTUY - etits ng bata
>
> 18. JABARR - pawis ng katawan
>
> 19. KALAMANTUTAY - mabahong pangalan
>
> 20.MCARTHUR - taeng bumabalik after mong i-flush.