Memoirs of an Amnesiac

She’s probably the most brilliant person I’ve ever met in our organization. She’s got charm and wittiness that are difficult to reckon with. She’s got terrific organization skills, too. Small wonder her name is always mentioned come programs and tasks. She’s almost perfect. But there’s the rub. However brilliant she is, her relationship is almost facing a down fall.

All her life, there was always this one guy. It is like her world only revolves around him. He has become part of her system. I wouldn’t be surprised. She’s spent the last eleven years of her life with him. Eleven years, yes. When asked when she’s trying to tie the knot with him, she bursts into tears. For something from the bottom of her heart, always inches its presence back into the open, like an unhealed wound that always stings. Which girl wouldn’t want to spend the rest of her life with a man whom she had always wanted and needed? But the question always remains like a kite she keeps flying on a rather windless day, floating and getting by, needing more tugging.

So she comes into terms with reality – that often painful truth that she keeps on denying herself. Questions such as: If he loves her, why wouldn’t he even consider marrying her? What is he still waiting for? If financial stability is to be considered, surely they will get by since they both are already working and have stable jobs.

What factors truly come into play when men are faced with the most difficult question as: When are we really going to get married?

By human instinct (as women I believe are mostly full of this), women begin to have doubts about a man’s sincerity when a relationship has lasted that long. Why after all has he kept her hanging? Where is the direction they are treading? And why such a man (who considers to love the other) would want to make her wait for long when he isn’t even considering marriage with her at all? If you truly love someone, you would not make her/him wait. In fact, if being with her truly makes you complete, you would not hesitate getting tied with her. Unless there really was no plan at all in the first place.

And so this lady comes to us to ask for help. We are no relationship gurus but my friend and I had our fair share of pain when we were yet younger. They might as well serve as her examples which she could glean inspiration from. We advised her to break up with that man since obviously she’s no longer happy with the relationship. And when one isn’t happy anymore, why would you rather be with that person for the rest of your life? So, she asks me: How do I start? These are all what I told her.

First, it begins with a choice. Go back to previous encounters that made you think less of him. Sometimes when we’re too in love with someone, we lose our sense of logic. We are oftentimes too generous to a fault and to giving to the worst extent. It is always advisable to step back and look at the relationship at a new perspective. That is the reason why one needs friends around, not just to understand but to provide another point of view. If you think it has to come to an end, you have got to make a choice. A choice not to communicate anymore, even when the guy continues to call or send you text messages. A choice to not get affected by such blatant memories that oftentimes tease and challenge you. A choice (more importantly), to end it because you have to but because it needs to be. Because once you do succumb, you will have to go through the same thing over and over again, like a toxic cycle. And because you have acknowledged change, you would not let yourself go through the same experience again (unless you are a masochist and that’s another story).

Second, love yourself. How can you ever consider loving someone when you have not come into terms with loving yourself? Relationships are not about being with someone to complete you. It is about being already complete with yourself and from there creating two worlds that would eventually inspire and influence each other. You have carried him all those eleven years. It is high time that you give yourself the self-respect that you had so long deprived yourself.

Third, let go and let God. No matter how much you look at it, there is a sovereign God who is always in control of everything. You can’t do things on your own (no matter how much you try to). It needs a lot of discernment on your part to probably make sense of things and heal eventually.

It is not going to be a very easy process, yet like all processes, you have to go through each step (without missing or skipping anything). Breaking up never was, is and will be an easy task. It entails a lot of relationship detoxifying on one’s part. Just as it is difficult to let go of one’s addictions. It has become a part of one's system, something that one sometimes can’t live without. But one has to let go of it for one's sake.

So where do you begin? You decide.