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For Women: Men to Avoid

This discussion is about "For Women: Men to Avoid" in the "Relationships (Old)" forums.
My most unsuitable man was a member of a rock 'n' roll band. He had long hair, some interesting tattoos, used every kind of drug ...

  1. #1
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    Jun 2005

    Default For Women: Men to Avoid

    My most unsuitable man was a member of a rock 'n' roll band. He had long hair, some interesting tattoos, used every kind of drug imaginable and was great in bed. His life of clubs, touring, all-night recording sessions and endless partying was fun to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.
    I was addicted to him sexually, which made him hard to leave -- but, of course, he was no one I could ever spend the rest of my life with. I could hardly introduce him to my friends, let alone marry him. Whenever one of my group met him, they'd roll their eyes and swear I'd lost my mind.

    Not all unsuitable men are so obvious. A women can fall for one and become emotionally dependent before she realizes that the man is unsuitable or unavailable.

    If you're twenty and can't resist a fling with one of the Rogue's Gallery listed below, that's one thing. But if you're looking for a marriage partner, don't waste your time with one of these. They may appear eligible at first, and they may ultimately live with you and even love you (in their fashion), but they won't marry you. While the characters in our Rogue's Gallery are a bit exaggerated, the relationship problems they pose are very real. If you're looking for long-term commitment and are involved with one of these guys, dump him immediately.

    Men Who Just Don't Respond To You

    If you date a man and he doesn't respond in normal ways, drop him. He could be gay. He could be neurotic. He could simply not be turned on by you. It really doesn't matter too much why he doesn't respond.
    If he doesn't call after a reasonable amount of time, don't wait around. If he isn't reasonably affectionate and interested in ***, drop him. If he doesn't spend romantic time with you, it's because he doesn't want to, and it doesn't matter why.

    Men Who Want To Be Stars

    Men driven to be stars of some kind are lousy prospects for marriage. They're like workaholics, only worse. Their dreams of stardom totally eclipse any interest in a normal life and a normal marriage.
    Worst of all, hidden within those dreams lurks a cruel reality for the woman who helps such a man in his quest: The prize for his success includes women -- young, beautiful, available women in endless supply.

    It has always been so. Whether a man is a showbiz celebrity, a charismatic politician, a military dictator, an investment banking star or just a behind-the-scenes wielder of great wealth and power, women are part of the payoff. Each one of these successful men has a line of ambitious women and "star-****ers" that stretches around the block. While the sexual escapades of the rich and powerful are frequent sources of gossip, *** is never explicitly acknowledged as a reward for success. Yet every man who has his sights on the top understands the deal very clearly.

    Most women seem to be oblivious to this reality. I'm always amazed at the number of phone calls I get from women who are sure that some celebrity is just the one for them -- not just as a fantasy roll in the hay, but as a husband!

    Married Men

    This category of time waster seems almost too obvious to discuss, but women keep coming to me for counseling because they're hung up on a married man. It can happen to anyone. I'm sure I would have been married sooner if I'd simply avoided all married men. But like many women, I had to learn the hard way.
    I dated two married men seriously. One was separated when met him. After a year of dating me, he got his wife (with whom he swore he wasn't sleeping) pregnant. The other one didn't tell me he was married until we had been dating for several weeks. I was too much in love and too stupid to stop seeing him right away. Both gave me presents, wined and dined me, but neither, of course, had the slightest potential as a husband.

    Married men have lots of lines. They'll try you out by saying they're "just a little bit married." If that doesn't work, they'll switch to acting sincere and convince you that their wives "don't understand them" or they "haven't had *** with their wives for years," or they and their wives "have an understanding," or they're "just waiting until the kids leave home and they'll get a divorce."

    Don't believe any of it. Like my second married man, some will even lie and claim they're single. If they do, how can you tell? There are lots of signals that a man is unavailable. He doesn't give you his home phone number. He doesn't see you on weekends or holidays. He breaks dates with feeble excuses at the last minute. He rarely spends the night.

    The Convalescent

    He might as well be married, because he's still deeply attached to his former wife or girlfriend. Just divorced, he's an emotional basket case. He lives in a singles' complex with a "ready-renter's" package of plastic plates, tin silverware, and Army surplus cups.
    His heart is still broken; he's still thinking about getting her back and is frantic about her sleeping with some other guy. He feels guilty about the kids, and frets about what her lawyer's taking away from him, the house he already lost, and how he's going to make those alimony and child- support payments. He's not ready to love again and won't be for some time.

    He'll date you as often as you want, but you won't have much fun with his ex along. No matter where you go or what you do or say, your every action will be colored by his ongoing involvement with his past.

    Yet the Convalescents always seem to find an "interim" woman who's willing to fill the space between his breakup and his getting well. The interim woman usually winds up as a patsy, putting up with the Convalescent's condition in the hope that she'll win him in the end, but she rarely does.

    The convalescent usually recovers, but when he does, he moves on to a flurry of dating, and ultimately, to another woman -- a new, exciting woman, one who doesn't remind him of his painful convalescence. Never play the part of the interim woman. If you decide you're interested in a convalescent, let him have his interim relationship with someone else, watch from a distance and then step in later.

    Midlife Crisis Case

    Typically, this is a postconvalescent divorcee. Now that his wounds are healed, he's making up for lost time. He buys a little sports car, fusses over every gray hair, shops for toupees and throws himself into a hyperactive social life. He's on every train.
    The only predictable pattern followed by the Midlife Crisis Case is that he won't date anyone less than twenty years younger than he is. If you spot the middle-aged man you're attracted to with a younger woman on his arm, you'll know he's a true Midlife Crisis Case if: (1) the woman is not his daughter, (2) it's a different young woman every time you see him, (3) his own friends are worried about him making a fool of himself, and (4) he's not listening to them.

    If you're still attracted to him, just remember that some cases of midlife crisis last twenty years.

    The Total Flake

    The total flake doesn't pay his bills, can't be depended on and will always disappoint you when it comes to marriage. His life is such a disaster that there's no way he can meld it with someone else's life.
    The problem with total flakes is that we sometimes think we can fix them and then they'll be perfect husbands. No way. They always regress -- to drinking, taking drugs, gambling or just making endless promises they never keep, including the one to marry you.

    Perpetual Bachelors

    The perpetual bachelor seems super eligible at first. He comes with almost everything -- dishes, silver, pictures on the wall, a housekeeper and maybe even a dog. Not a thing out of place. The perfect nest, lacking only you to make it a perfect little family. You begin to imagine moving into his life.
    Forget it. His house and belongings may be perfect, but he's not. He may be fun to date, but as husband material, he's a mirage. The perpetual bachelor shudders at the thought of a woman in his life on a full-time basis. He might have to share the bathroom! Or -- horror of horrors - - redecorate the living room!

    You can tell a perpetual bachelor from an ordinary nice guy with a nice house in several ways. The perpetual bachelor protects his autonomy fiercely, hates to have his routine interrupted, barely tolerates children, never promises exclusivity and is over forty-five and has never lived with a woman. Perpetual bachelors hardly ever change. You don't have time to wait for a miracle to happen.

    What To Do With/about The Time Wasters
    So what do you do if you find yourself already involved with one of these proven time wasters?

    Forget every fantasy you might have of changing him.

    If he's a cute flake, a charming bachelor, or a gorgeous star, enjoy him as an acquaintance and, when needed, an escort to a party. Make an arrangement that leaves you both free to flirt with others.

    Even though he's totally unsuitable, he may know someone who's just right for you. Ask him to introduce you to his friends. Go ahead -- he'll probably be relieved to know the pressure's off him.

    With time wasters, you're at least safe from winding up in a desperately unhappy marriage. These are the guys who won't marry you. Then there the guys YOU don't want to marry. These guys are more dangerous. Some of them will love you, love you, love you -- and rush you right into a disastrous relationship.

    ask dr.tracy........

  2. #2
    Cerebration in Action diem's Avatar
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    Jun 2005

    Default Re: For Women: Men to Avoid


    i just believe you've described the life cycle of a heterosexual male

    There is no such thing as ideal perfection... all we could strive for is beautiful imperfection

  3. #3
    Elite Member n0stALg|a's Avatar
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    Jan 2004

    Default Re: For Women: Men to Avoid

    ^^^^ nice thuought...

    but, we're all entitled to our own opinion.. this is a free country anyway.. this topic juz proves that most men if not all are egotistical maniacs and good for nothing bastards.. its either that or their gay!!

  4. #4
    Cerebration in Action diem's Avatar
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    Jun 2005

    Default Re: For Women: Men to Avoid

    @nostalgia, a bit harsh aren't we...? we are all human nontheless and we all commit mistakes and all commit harm despite any good intentions...

    and the hurt is never really gone, it's a scar on one's mind....

  5. #5
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    Jul 2004

    Default Re: For Women: Men to Avoid

    nobody's perfect..if yu intend to find a perfect mate in this world then yu'll just end-up in bane..

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    Nov 2005


    When you meet a guy face-to-face, you can quickly determine whether he's worthy of your heart. There's the way he expresses himself, as well as how he carries himself (not to mention the chemistry). You can tell immediately whether his body language is shifty or open. Other questions also find fast answers: Does he expect you to go Dutch? Is he considerate or catty toward the waitress?

    With online dating, however, it's much harder to judge. There are many smooth typists in cyberspace. So how can you swiftly but accurately tell whether your online suitor is a jewel or someone who should set the jerk-o-meter shooting sky high? Read on.

    Jerk #1: Soon-to-Be Separated. At least the guy sporting this obnoxious online handle is honest about his marital status. If he doesn't come right out and admit he's an adulterer wanna-be, how can you know to keep your cursor clear? Says Linda Burns, who has tried many dating sites, "If he doesn't have a photo posted, or his photo is so fuzzy or far away even his mother can't recognize it, or he's wearing big sunglasses that show off his body but hide his identity, chances are he's married." The New York publicist adds, "Another big clue is when his profile states he's looking for casual ***. Well, hello." These days it's easier and easier to spot the married cybercruiser. As online dating veteran Rosalind Hines points out, "Many men don't even try to hide that fact. If they don't directly state the obvious, ask, 'Hey, you sound married -- are you?' They'll confess."

    Jerk #2: Wink, Wink. What is the definition of a cheap guy? Someone who keeps sending you "winks" and/or "collect calls," those free options offered on most sites to send an email without writing a message -- or paying a subscription fee. Rosalind, recipient of too many such communications, fumes, "This is just plain wrong. He's sending it because it's free. Pony up and pay $1 to send me an email response, or just send me silence." Elaine Calvo, coauthor of 25 Words or Less: How to Write Like a Pro to Meet That Special Someone through Personal Ads, adds, "In addition to being cheap, it's a sign that he's contacting lots and lots of people. If his email makes no effort to respond specifically to items in the woman's profile, then she feels very lost in the crowd. Everyone wants to feel special. There's nothing special about a wink."

    Jerk #3: One-Track Profile. You know the type. His profile describes -- and requests -- the perfect woman. She must have everything from a 36D chest to a size-two figure to well-manicured hands and straight black hair. In other words, none of his words are about whether his Ms. Dreamboat is well read, well mannered or cares about the homeless. Character isn't a factor as long as she resembles Gwyneth or J.Lo or whichever star best exemplifies his type. And what sort of activities does he enjoy doing with his gal pal? Movies, theater, boating? No, no and no. Chances are he's looking for all ***, all the time. Buyer beware.

    Jerk #4: Not So Picture-Perfect. While a man who posts no photos might literally be otherwise engaged, a man who is posed arm in arm with a gorgeous babe who is clearly not a sibling -- well, he's probably a player. Rosalind laughs, "My favorite was a guy in a tux. You can see his bride's arm. If that isn't a lack of respect toward women, I don't know what is." While on the surface it appears that photos of a man with a pet or children show he wants to start a family, there might be more here than meets the eye. As Linda Burns recalls, "I emailed one guy saying how adorable his puppy was. Turns out he doesn't have pets. He thought a dog would make the women come running." The lesson here, ladies: You can't take everything in the profile at face value. Ask now so you won't regret later.

    Jerk #5: Busy Signal. He leads such a full, happy life it's too much bother to complete the online questionnaire. Question after question is followed with the answer "Will Discuss Later." Linda says, "If he's too lazy to be thoughtful for a few minutes, it gets my antenna up." Her greatest ire is reserved for guys whose emails are riddled with "IM speak." She explains, "A guy trying to catch my attention will instant message something like 'U R hot.' That ceases to be remotely appealing if once we start privately emailing each other he's still using annoying abbreviations rather than 'you' and 'are.'"

    Again, remember that this is the courtship phase. If he can't muster the energy to type complete sentences, his inaction might spell P-A-S-S.

    Jerk #6: A Bitter Pill. Sharon Hodgson warns, "A sure sign he's a jerk is if he blasts ex-girlfriends in his profile." The assistant dean at the University of Maryland School of Social Work continues, "One of the dating sites has a question for singles: 'What contributed to the end of your last relationship?' Well, some guys go to town: 'The bitch cheated on me,' or, 'Like all women, she was only out for herself.'"

    A man who rants at the opposite *** in a forum where he's trying to promote his soft, appealing side is flashing a bright red flag. Don't blindly charge ahead; sidestep this joker and move on to the next profile.

    The moral: Read a potential special someone's online musings with care. These casual posts can be a window into a man's soul. Beverly Appel, coauthor of A Guide to Online Dating, says, "People's online dating [behavior] often echoes their offline dating, with all the same problems. Don't read your emails through rose-colored glasses. What would be obvious red flags to an unconcerned observer is often overlooked by correspondents who don't use their perception skills." If you read between the lines, his personality is laid out for you in black and white. There are enough good guys out there; don't be waylaid by a jerk.

    Bonus: The Jerk Hall of Shame

    According to a survey conducted by, these are six sure ways to distinguish the jerk from the keeper. Avoid the following:

    Photos of a man with a woman's arms around him

    No profile content filled out beyond the absolute minimum

    Multiple profiles set up on the same site (seeing the same photo again and again)

    Income marked at $75,000 to $100,000 a year without having A) the education or B) the career (as indicated in his profile) to support that claim

    Members who advise you to contact them by phone only during certain times (many of these turn out to be married)

    Men signing up as women and noting in their profiles that they are actually men (they do this to get promotions only available to women)

  7. #7
    C.I.A. P-Chan's Avatar
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    Aug 2004


    *wink wink

  8. #8
    Elite Member theused's Avatar
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    Dec 2005


    mao wink wink..

  9. #9
    C.I.A. P-Chan's Avatar
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    Aug 2004


    wink pa ta.. *wink wink

  10. #10
    Elite Member theused's Avatar
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    Dec 2005


    mao mao

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