https://www.istorya.net/forums/blog.php?104143-Kagami-chan en Mon, 18 May 2026 08:37:28 GMT vBulletin 300 https://www.istorya.net/forums/images/metro/blue/misc/rss.jpg https://www.istorya.net/forums/blog.php?104143-Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2417-The-Quality-of-Life Sun, 26 Oct 2014 08:27:12 GMT I have came across an article about this family that "loves our son so much, and he's the the whole world to us. He's been an amazing kid." BUT regretted the chance of aborting him due to his rare genetic syndrome and even planned to tell him when he grows older, that they wish to let him know he was better off killed.

These are the harsh words I've read from an article of a mother who wished to have killed his son because of what he's born with. Pondering, I remembered when I was pregnant with Bezalel and my doctor told me a list of defects he will be born with IF HE WILL SURVIVE the rough pregnancy. I remember feeling guilty, regretful (I was not immune to the measles virus), DOUBT & fear. It was a surprise that I did not end up with anxiety/depression. I had to ask a couple of times, "God, why me? of all the people, Why me? Have I done something so terrible to deserve this? Why is it that others give birth to healthy babies and I can't?" I was in a roller coaster ride. I was at loss, I did not know where I could ask for help, but bent down and asked God for guidance and to let me borrow a bit of his strength because I AM NOT READY FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I was too full of fear for my son. BUT NOT ONCE DID I OPEN MY HEART TO ABORTION.

"But now, O LORD, you are our father; we are the clay, and you our potter; and we all are the work of your hand."
Isaiah 64:8

A friend told me, God will make us bend but he will never break us. He makes us realize that, we are only human. We cannot do everything nor do we hold everything in our own hands. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD." Isaiah 55:8. The problem with us, is that, we are too attached to how this world runs. We did not open our thoughts and hearts to how God sets our way. A way that will lead us to seeking His presence. We have to learn to seek Him, to let go and let Him form our way, though it is difficult, He promises Life to those who trust in Him.

I wanted you all to realize, despite the struggles we go through in our lives, it is not for us to demand what kind of life we must live, but rather, always seeking His ways, which is righteous and true.

"As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him." Psalm 18:30

Lastly, I wish to share with you this prayer that has brought us from one step to the other, 'til today:

"God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen."

]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2417-The-Quality-of-Life https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2314-A-Piece-of-my-Heart-by-Kagami-More-than-just-Crochet-it-is-for-a-cause Sat, 15 Feb 2014 21:11:46 GMT I recently made a page on facebook, and it’s not something for me.This is my way of raising funds for my “heart warrior” as his heart surgery might come anytime soon. And we needed funds, not only for the surgery, but for my son’s medicines, and needs.
Being a mom of a multiple anomaly baby, made me realised a lot of things. One thing is, I don’t belong to myself anymore. Everything isn’t about me anymore. I’m sure a lot of moms could say the same, even with their babies not having to go through a similar journey as my son does. But, being a mom to a multiple anomaly baby means, to give more than I could to my son. To push myself to the limit. To pull me up, and push me to a direction I refuse to go (because it’s so difficult, even to the thought of it). I guess being a mom, means to bring out something in you you thought was never there or could be there. If I would have been the same as before, and meeting myself in this kind of manner, I’d ask, “Who are you?” in mazement. I remember those days when even in small things, or small tasks, I’d whine and complain. My patience is as big as my pinky.I was lazy. I was longing for comfort. I was not wild, just that I was self-centered.

God surely knows how to teach us. Because HE leads us to journeys not often people would want to take. A journey less taken. When we are given this kind of situations, how do we usually react? “Why? Why me? Why does it have to happen to me of all people?”... So natural & human isn’t it?...
Bust as time passed, I realized a lot of things, and learned from it. Ironically, it is my son who became a medium in discovering all these things. God is so smart. He knows, I could not refuse my son. That I love him so much I would give what I could to him.

Just recently, I have picked up the yarn and crochet hook and got addicted to it. And now, I wanted to use this as a way for me to raise funds for my son, Bezalel. You can check our page
at: http://www.facebook.com/Kagamipieceofmyheart


In every item I made, embed in it is a piece of my heart. And in every item being bought, is something for Bezalel's heart. :) ]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2314-A-Piece-of-my-Heart-by-Kagami-More-than-just-Crochet-it-is-for-a-cause https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2257-It-s-PURPLE-day%21%21%21 Sat, 16 Nov 2013 20:17:57 GMT It's International Prematurity Day! May these miracles' voices be heard! Ready to meet the preemies? Here's the link to them:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?...4727472&type=1

Different faces, different races, different inspiring stories. May you take time to read their story. :) And may it touch you in every little way. If these preemies can, why can't we? The only thing you need, is to Believe in Yourself! :)



Help raise awareness in premature birth by wearing something purple today! ]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2257-It-s-PURPLE-day%21%21%21 https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2251-Tiny-Miracles-of-Life Mon, 04 Nov 2013 18:31:01 GMT Have you ever seen a premature baby being born?
Have you ever held one and felt his weight?
Have you ever touched his tiny hands after scrubbing your hands like a mad man to prevent him from getting sick?
Have you ever seen his tiny feet that no socks could never seem to fit?

Have you ever wondered how such tiny life being born,
could beat the odds of life?
Have you ever seen him breathe? His tiny chest moving calmly,
while different apparatus are being attached to his tiny body.
Have you heard his tiny yet strong cry,
wondering if he feels pain?
Have you ever sigh in awe of this tiny creature who have slowly
capture your heart, because you could never imagine going
through what this precious miracle have?

Have you ever wondered, if he will survive?
Without feeling the pain inside?

It's Prematurity Awareness Day. November 17, 2013. Help spread awareness on prematurity by wearing something purple on that day. Did you know that Philippines is rank 8 globally of "countries with the highest rate of premature births"? Most premature births are caused by poor prenatal care, sickness during pregnancy and a lot more. Premature births is the biggest killer of newborns.

You don't need to have a preemie to do so. You only need to have a heart moved by a preemie's power.




https://www.facebook.com/WorldPremat...ed_target_id=0


https://www.facebook.com/PreemieSupportandAwareness ]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2251-Tiny-Miracles-of-Life https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2242-Being-Blessed Tue, 08 Oct 2013 19:30:13 GMT When you hear someone how unlucky it is for someone to have a special baby & start tracing your life events as to which part have you done wrong or if people would tell you "you must have sinned to have something happen such to you", NEVER EVER BELIEVE THEM. I can tell as much, how untrue those statement are. The fact of having a special baby of my own, have opened my eyes to a list of truth.

Pity I do not accept. Honestly, I don't need people to pity my son. It is not what he needs. One more thing, what is it that needs pitying? When my son has a family who loves him to death & who will fight for him & supports him to how much he could do. When he is surrounded by people who sees him beyond the disabilities that people see at the very first sight of him, what is there to pity? He is complete beyond his needs. That's must be the reason why he's such a happy baby, despite how people see him.


I do not feel shame. Having a baby that stands out from the rest, what is there to be ashamed of? On the other hand, I am proud of this little fighter. Too bad I could not tell them all the details to his journey. But if people know what he has been through from the very first time his heart took a beat, I'm sure they will not judge him lightly nor will they judge me.


It is a blessing. A blessing that is known through going through all those pain, worries, tears but still choose to face the uncertainties of every morning. I'm sure this will sound like a riddle to others who have not been to a similar journey, but I still choose to share such feeling that I have felt ever since I became a mother.


It is a miracle. Knowing that such a tiny baby at birth who has been striving to live since day one, despite the hurdles he has to go through (subchorionic hemorrhage, rubella infection, low lying placenta, a 2-vessel cord with a very thin part of the cord as thin as a telephone wire with a coil as a bonus) has a heartbeat that stood strong. And when he was born, in which we are not even sure how he would do on his own once he is cut off from his cord, he cried a loud cry. He breathed on his own. His body fought to make blood (he was anemic at birth) for his own. He fed at the 2nd day, but this little guy learned to suckle pretty well and so, he grew on his own pace. We never imagined he would reached 10months, and get to see him smile or laugh despite hearing loss in both ears and the cataracts in his eyes. I just want to thank God for each day, because each day he wakes up to, is a miracle that God blessed him with.



God knows, not them. Do not let other people dictate what you have to feel. They don't know the journey you've been through. It's between you with baby and God. You do not need to prove anything to them. If you will, in the end, you will become frustrated & lost. Even doctors could not tell the 1-2-3 exactly how your baby will become as he grows. The only one who knows of the plan is God. Have they read God's plans? Exactly not. What is there to rely on people's words? You can't move if you rely on stated facts. A miracle does not happen because you believe in facts. Miracles happen because you have Faith in God's greater plans and you work in that Hope you have in your heart for your child no matter how people would look at him/her. If you journey with a heart that is open to what God needs for something to happen, you will claim Peace that could never be stolen.



Pray, but with a grateful heart. What good would praying every day & night for only one thing to ask? I have come to realize such when I was pregnant, and even when I am now a mother. What good will asking for something to happen, then God disapproves, yet you kept praying for it? I wonder how God would react. I guess, when something happens against what we wished for, God wanted us to realize something that would forever change our whole being. Something that will make us realize what really are the best things in this life. Things that are already in us, yet we did not thank with a grateful heart. Despite what we go through, all those negative things happen for us to realize the good things we have in life. The things we cherish now might soon be taken away, but God has already something better ready at hand. If we only learn to see what is unseen, and hear what is untold. Thank you God, for the breath we hold.


Who teach who? I've come to realize a lot of things each day when I am with my little guy. It's ironic how much he has changed me, and how clever God must be. I came to see what I need to be thankful for when I used to be indifferent. I also came to know what real strength is. It is not something that you work out in the gym for. Strength is something that builds each time I go through the tough times, and when I thought I'm about to give up, I see my little guy smiling & laughing & beating the odds of life's uncertainties. It made me put to shame, how this 2ft baby could be stronger than I am. Despite his physical hurdles, he is such a lively little guy, with a big smile in his face, not minding where to look as he chuckles a hearty laugh. He has beaten me once again, he's the tough guy alright! These moments have taught me exactly what true strength is. It does not come in size, it comes from the will of a 2ft little guy. *laughs* ]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2242-Being-Blessed https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2189-Light-as-Paper Mon, 01 Jul 2013 21:22:29 GMT Evening has come again, another day has ended. For me, it's another "day" starting. For the past couple of months, my body clock has been distorted. I ended up being awake the whole night. I could not sleep. I could not bear missing a feeding, and feeling the guilt of making my son "skipped" a meal when we're driven mad into putting weight on the scale for him.

As I picked my hungry little man, I've noticed how much I'm putting effort into picking him up now. I thought, it could be just a full diaper. As he happily feeds on his bottled milk, I suddenly remembered how it was back then...

I remembered feeling excited as I looked at the b&w print of our "diamond ring". 6weeks of his gestation. 133beats/min. How amazing is that? He's smaller than a bean, but his heart is beating that fast now.

Why is it such a big deal to me anyway?...

At 5 weeks, when pregnancy was way out of my mind, tiny red patches appeared on my skin. It might just be heat rash so I brushed it off my mind. The next day got worse! Lucky face was spared. I suddenly felt something choking me in silence. It was reality. I rushed to the hospital for further tests. First, it was blood work. They did not look good. It looked like a viral infection. I have to face a shadow I refuse to look at. I took a PT. After 2 long hours of waiting, the results finally came. I though I heard fireworks in my head. Positive. Congrats! I told my hubby with half feeling gloomy. That was ironic.

The next day we headed for my OB with a bit of hesitation. I told her everything I was worried about so she forwarded me to a contagious disease specialist. The doctor asked me if I was pregnant after looking at my red patches. I said a quick 'yes'. She did not help at all, I felt worse. She told me frankly that the symptoms I'm giving her are of the “Rubella Measles”. I thought my eyes felt warm and my throat tightened. I remembered my mom being exposed to this virus while pregnant. I did not meet my older sister. I only saw her in a few pictures my mom have of her. And they were even blurry!... She was a blue baby.

They could not do anything about it. The dr.'s could not help me. There is no treatment for rubella measles. It disappears on it's own course. What will happen to my tiny diamond ring?

We went back to my OB, and knowing the specialist talked to her on the phone, the room felt so gloom. Even she looked at me that way. I only remembered hearing miscarriage, stillbirth, and baby will have several congenital anomalies. She told me over and over again, to pray and pray that everything will be ok.

The next couple of days, my lymph nodes swelled like crazy. My joints swelled that I have to spare my fingers from my rings as they are literally killing my bloodflow. It's hard to even sit down, as my knees hurt and even my ankle. I put through it for 5 days as they slowly disappear. After a week, the measles have left.

As they say, after the storm comes the sun. It did not for me. After the storm, comes another storm. I was put into bed rest since knowing I had subchorionic hemorrhage. The following week, suddenly I saw a blood dropped in the toilet. I calmly opened the door and asked my mom to tell hubby we need to go to the ER... ASAP!

Was this it? Was this the one my OB mentioned to me?...

After a few attempts of catching where my baby's heartbeat is & calling my OB saying that there's no heartbeat, they finally found it. With a sigh of relief, we went home. It was found out that I have a cervical polyp which is causing the blood, and a slight infection. I was on bed rest again.

At home, I held my booklet “Lord of Pardon” which I got from my mom who had it with her for as long as I know. I prayed to God to keep my little one safe. I gave him to His loving hands, as he knows far more better what is for him, than I do. It was not easy saying so. I was so scared. What if God will take him away?

Questions just kept on hitting me like arrows from an invisible enemy that I wish to evade. Will I ever get to feel his kicks? Will I ever get to hold him soon as he is born? Will I ever get to hear his first cry? What would he look like? Will he be like me or like his father?... Will he ever take his first breath?

I kept being too hopeful I supposed. Because I kept praying every night for him to grow healthy and strong. What am I doing? I hope God will forgive me for being too demanding.

As days passed, the bleeding stopped soon after the polyp detached on its own but on my 13week ultrasound, they found that his placenta is low-lying. Another wave of bed rest that has caused my back to hurt already. For the next few weeks, I survived the storm. I could now see the sun. I enjoyed eating more, even my pregnancy milk that I used to hate so much even if it's flavored chocolate. Then came the clouds once more.

At 34weeks ultrasound, his measurements showed he dropped 6weeks behind the normal size for a 34week fetus. I looked into my ultrasound notes and found the word IUGR.

I could not wait for my OB's explanation the next day so I did my own research at that day. Intrauterine Growth Restriction. It's when the baby could not grow into his normal pace due to different factors limiting him. But what is keeping him from growing? There's an abnormality in his umbilical cord. He's a 2-vessel cord. It's supposed to be 3. The guilt I felt became heavy. He's not even born yet yet he's going through so much!

At my 35 week ultrasound, the sonologist found out an elevated SD ratio in his umbilical artery (SD 5.59 and cut off is 3) and it alerted them. I was told to refer it to my OB right away.

“In case” the baby will come sooner than expected, they checked his BPP (Biophysical Profile). My little one actually perfected it except for one. Breathing is zero. How I wish he will stay longer inside.

The next day we packed everything we needed to bring. Folding his baby clothes into his baby bag kinda torment my heart and mind. Something suddenly dawned on me... Will we ever get to use these clothes on him? I tried feeling my tummy, but he was calm. It was around 7pm when we finally reached the admitting section of the hospital. It was the beginning of the attack of the needles. I hate needles. These small to big needles. I was finally given steroid shots to mature baby's lungs.

The next day was another BPP. He perfected it again, except breathing is still zero. I remembered my Perinatologist telling me, “If he's meant to be yours, he will be yours,” quite a few times. She also told me we just need to be ready for the possible outcome of the baby.

I was given another dose of steroids.

It was a long, anxious 9 days in the hospital with every morning NST, doppler every after 6hrs, counting baby's movement within an hour or two (they have to be an average of 10 movements)... His next BPP came. Finally, all is good! God is so good! His lungs finally moved! The swollen elephant feet could not beat it!

Curious eyes find their way into my little corner as I lay on my empty bed. It was a very anxious waiting game.

On my Dec 5th ultrasound, things did not look good. My baby did not gain weight. My water also reduced. Perinatologist found out that his blood flow through his umbilical cord is increasingly risking him.

He was 36weeks and 2days. It was time to take him out.

My Perinatologist opted for a C-Section. She said that that there is no guarantee how he would cope with normal delivery.

I never had any surgeries before & I had a huge fear of needles due to my childhood experience & I was such a puppy to pain. Ironically, I was at peace. Deep down, I know it's what's best for him. I know he will be safer with this procedure. I did not complain, I did not even cry while my OB was explaining everything to me.

Ok doc, but can I stay awake at that time?

Honestly, I did not expect to say it that bold. My OB noted it for my anesthesiologist to know.

I want to hear his cry. Will it be weak? Or will it be strong?.. I did not even care if I freak myself during the operation. Then another question I ought to evade.

What if he will never cry?..

The labor room suddenly felt still. Then I closed my eyes and prayed.

“Lord, thy will be done.”

I do not hold my son's life, nor do I hold mine. These fragile lives are in Your hands.

An unexplainable peace came over me. I fell asleep, as I wait for the clock across my bed to strike one.

To be continued...



]]> Kagami-chan https://www.istorya.net/forums/entry.php?2189-Light-as-Paper