cool operator's cool comedy!

[cool_operator]

---

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a

bath. He points at her bush and asks,

“What’s that Mommy?”

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Little Johnny is

satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some

time later, Little Johnny catches his mother in the shower shortly after

she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Little Johnny asks her,

“Where is your sponge mommy?”

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find

it soon. Little Johnny is a little worried and promises his mommy that he

will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering.

Soon, Little Johnny comes running back in and says that he has found his

mother’s sponge.’

“What do you mean you found my sponge? ”

“The lady next door has it and she’s washing Daddy’s face with it!”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was

invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little

Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the

baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking

of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he

understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”

The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?”

“Yes”,the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “coz he’d be ****ed if he needed

glasses.”


__________________________________________________ ___________________

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his

father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the

horse’s legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure

that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy

Mom.”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the

worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - “What can you learn from this

experiment.”

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said “As long as you drink,

smoke and have ***, you won’t have worms!”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he

visits one of the classes.

They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their

meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the

class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.”

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next

door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,

that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Bush, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a

GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush

searches the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a

quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were

struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like

Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic,” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that

would be a TRAGEDY?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it

certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”

[cool_operator]

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans

for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through

the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He

tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should

risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual,

the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother

and said, “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put

in them this time?”

Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”

“Well,” said Mary, “this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the

canary.”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to

go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in

this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate’. Please use

the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you

had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!!

__________________________________________________ ___________________

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some

students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.Several students

eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.

“We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation” Alice said. “We rode

donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun.”

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised

their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little

Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom.

The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.

“My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped

at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest

trout we’d ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was

great!” Fred reported.

Thats nice Fred, now how about another volunteer”. Several students were

waving their hands.
The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and so she gave him another

chance.

“My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in

the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole” Little Johnny

said.

The teacher was mad, “Johnny you mean rectum.” she said.

“Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off.”

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going

to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?”

Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a *******.”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3′ I said “6″ replies Johnny.

“But that’s right!”

“Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3x2?’”

“What’s the ****ing difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

I Like Your Thinking Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Little Johnny
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, “None, they will all fly away

with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says “I have a question for you. There are three women

sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides

of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and

sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which

one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied “Well, I suppose the one

that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the

wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his

regular teacher.

She says “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class

remember it has an “r” after the first letter”

The entire class says “Hello Mrs. Prussy”

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to

his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the

says to the teacher, “I Remember it has an ‘R’ after
the first letter”.

“That’s right” she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says “Mrs. Crunt?”

__________________________________________________ ____________________

A teacher gave her class and assignment - go home and ask your parents

tell you a story that has a moral to it. Then the next day the kids Came

back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front

seatof the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went

flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good, ” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”

“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live

chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until

they’re hatched.”

“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.Aunt Karen

was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to

bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a

machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it

wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy

troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out

of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade

broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, ” What kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t **** with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.

__________________________________________________ ___________________



The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had been daydreaming for a long

time. She decided to get his attention. “Johnny,” she said, “If the world

is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Little Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how

did you guess?”

Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Little Johnny said. “My big sister is

seventeen and she’s only half-crazy

[rednjep]

whahahahaha.... sipata aning jhonny oi...

[cool_operator]

A man was rushing his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. He was so nervous and disoriented, he pulled up to the emergency room and rear- ended an ambulance! Though a very minor bump, he actually passed out from the stress!

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother (a relentless world- class practical joker) sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,

'Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you.'

The husband's heart jumped up into to his throat, thinking, 'Oh no, what has he done now?' He nervously asked his brother, 'W-w-well, what did you name them?'

The brother replied, 'I named the little girl Denise.'

'Really?!? Oh! Well, that's a very pretty name!' the husband said, his relief showing as he sat up. 'And what did you name my son?'

'Denephew.'

[cool_operator]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked....

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[cool_operator]

Mermaid ***

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have *** with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have *** with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parent's dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have *** with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have *** with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like I did with the cow?"

[cool_operator]

Animal game ****

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

__________________________________________________ _____________________

Animal Sound ****

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while.
Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-****a!!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Hershey's Kiss ***

One day at school, little Johnny's teacher said, "Let's play a game. I will put a piece of candy in your mouth and you tell me what it is." the teacher exclaimed.

So the teacher walked up to Mary and told her, "Close your eye's and I'll put the piece of candy in your mouth." Little Mary did so. "A cherry flavored Jolly Rancher," Mary exclaimed. The teacher said, "Very good Mary."

So the teacher went up to Tommy and put a piece of peppermint candy in his mouth. Tommy replied, "A piece of peppermint candy." "Very good Tommy," Said the teacher.

So then the teacher walked up to Sid and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. Sid said, "I don't know what it is?" The teacher said, "It's what your mom gives your dad before they go to bed." Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Spit it out, it's a piece of ass!"

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Jerking Off ****

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.

He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

__________________________________________________ ___________________

Johnny's Little Brother ****

One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He laid there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having ***. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing.

He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?"

The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?"

"Yes..." replied little Johnny in a timid voice.

"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you."

Johnny smiled and said, "Oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure.

The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.

The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What's wrong" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.

"Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy"

"Yes..." the Dad replied nervously.

"Well... well... Today... *sniff*... the mailman came over and he ate him!"

__________________________________________________ _____________

Learning ABC ***

The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.

The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.

Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"

"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"

Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.

"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"

"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.

She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.

Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."

Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big ****in' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

[cool_operator]

Math Homework ***

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

__________________________________________________ _______________

The Eel ****

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"

By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold

__________________________________________________ _____________________

Too Young to Smoke ***

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.

The guy says, "How old are you?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid.

The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."


__________________________________________________ __________________

Unusual Event ***

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday

__________________________________________________ ___________

Visiting a Zoo ***

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother.

They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?"

Mommy, seeing the huge *****, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question.

Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's ***** and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"

"Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, That's true. That's nothing for your mother."

_________________________________________________

Which Part Went to Heaven First? *****

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.

He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.

"Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.

[janjerell]

Bravo!
hehehe...

Alegre pod ni, kini ang pinaka-alegre:

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can

little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to

his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"