by, 04-27-2013 at 10:51 AM (2043 Views)
There is probably no other way to express what one feels after bad decisions. That feeling of regret after having said something that one did not intend to say, that heart-wrenching feeling of seeing that special someone get hurt right before your very eyes for something that you thought "needs" to be said because it is (what I thought) what makes the relationship deeper (or get lost).
I recently did a serious mistake. I hurt someone so badly. I don't think I'll ever have the guts to even forgive myself for it. I have been selfish, rude, and manipulative. Good long cries could not ever compensate for my actions. There is always this "if only I had not said such things and just kept them" feeling. And it gnaws through me, right through the very core. When all I've ever dreamed and believed to be true and hold true in my heart, were all cast away by my foolish act.
I look at myself now as a tiny speck of insignificant element. I don't think I even deserve to be loved. I am not worthy of anyone's love and affection for this matter. My selfishness and inconsiderate act, much worse, disrespectful resolve, earned me the infamy that any sinner deserves.I used to look down on people who did the same thing. But here I am, doing exactly as what I had preened upon on people.
I'm sorry. You know who you are. I've been the dumbest dung I've ever been. There are no excuses for my act. I don't know whether you'll consider forgiving me. I know I need to give you the time and space that you deserve. Permit me to find myself also, to give myself the time to forgive and heal myself from all those foolishness.
I'm sorry and that's that.
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